It's hard to talk about the elephant in the room when the elephant is you

Aside from being a skinny kid through the age of 8, I've always been overweight or had to really work at being thinner. I've had a few skinny periods where I really watched what I ate and exercised daily. Ages 16-19, 21-22, 29, 32-33, and 35 were all weight loss periods. But, alas, it seems that the skinny periods are fewer and further apart and currently I'm at my heaviest weight yet. I can blame genetics a bit as my mother's side was full with fatsos, my mother included. My father has a huge sweet tooth but stays rather fit despite that fact. Somehow my brother and I missed that luxury.

Nevertheless, I can't put the blame on my DNA in its entirety as my genes aren't what's putting big servings of high calorie food into my mouth, nor is it keeping me sedentary. In some ways, losing and keeping off weight is worse than quitting smoking. At least after a period of not smoking, you don't have to worry about maintenance, all you have to do is not smoke. While dieting, you still have to eat. You still go to restaurants and parties where there's lots of yummy treats. Plus, there's almost always something good on TV to watch or do on the internet to keep your fat ass in the chair. It would be as if I had to puff on a cigarette 4 times a day and not smoke any more than that. That would be next to impossible to do.

I don't go for the bullshit that you're always feeling hungry while on a diet because real hunger is when you get nothing to eat for hours. It's the cravings. You crave the sugars and the candy, the yummy fats and ice creams and the high carbs and salty chips. I know if you keep the treats to what they're supposed to be- treats, you would be much better off. But, I've been an all or nothing kind of guy. When I enjoy something I tend to go gung-ho, consequences be damned. It's a damn good thing that I never tried herion or coke.

There are times where I wish I had an automatic food dispenser and no other access to food. That way, the choice is taken away from me. If I wasn't allowed to make poor choices then I would be fine with whatever bland meals are chosen for me if I was hungry enough. Fuck free will! Who needs inalienable rights when you could have a smaller waist? Perhaps, I could also hire someone with an electric cow prod and they could get me going on the treadmill every day as well.

Am I that weak willed? Do I really need someone to force me to lose weight? I just don't know the answer anymore as it's obvious I haven't done much of anything about it lately. I let myself go north of 300 lbs and have to shop exclusively at big and tall stores. I'm positive that my wife finds me less attractive and my motivation to do physical things is not very high. I'm also getting older and being this heavy isn't very good for my health. Perhaps, I'm hitting some self realization now but I'm also afraid that those feelings don't always last very long when you have to put the nose to the grindstone. I probably need some external help of some sort but I can't stand groups like Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. Am I doomed?

As helpless as this sounds, I know what needs to be done. I just need to do it.

So far, I've been very open in what I post on my blog and I don't wish to hold back now. I'm trying to convey what it's like to struggle with your weight and take some responsibility at the same time. Hopefully, I've just talked myself into being more active and eating less. Maybe my wife can show me this post when I seem to be off the wagon. I can't give up and have to keep trying. It took me at least 20 times before I finally quit smoking. Maybe it'll take 20 diets or more, but I can't give up. I need to be there for my wife and kids. They deserve it.

Just do me a favor and kick me in the ass once in a while- it's a pretty easy target to hit.