The voice

As I drifted to sleep last night I suddenly heard a voice that hadn't heard in 14 years. "Brian!" It screamed, it was the sound of my mother's voice as if she were calling me inside for dinner while I was playing. The tone and pitch was exact and it was shocking enough to rouse me awake for another half hour. Now, I know it was just some weird memory blip while I was entering a REM state, but the sound of my dead mother's voice felt incredibly real. After a brief moment of melancholy and missing my mother, I felt a warm secure feeling as if I was in the womb or being hugged by my mother as a child. I lay there peacefully as I finally drifted back to sleep.

I realize that some people would attribute my experience of hearing my dead mother's voice and subsequent warm and fuzzy feelings to the presence of a spirit or some sort of religious experience. Unfortunately for me, I can't make that illogical jump to such things. I will however never deny the unconditional love that most of experience with our mothers. I quite frankly don't care if it's just pure instinct or inbred for a mother to love her children with no strings attached. I can't dismiss the feeling and emotions that one gets from the purity of love that a mother has for her children.

So while this coming Sunday, Mother's Day, is largely a commercial holiday designed to sell flowers and cards, I firmly believe we should have a day to honor our mothers. While I can no longer personally thank my mother anymore I can honor and thank my wife Lynn for being just as good as mother to my children (if not, then better). My children absolutely dote on her and I can completely understand why.

Pranks a lot part deux

Yesterday, my wife's laptop showed up at my workplace. There was a decent sale that Dell was running 2 weeks ago that we couldn't pass up, so we ordered Lynn a laptop for her future employment as a teacher. I had it shipped to my warehouse at work for security reasons as I know there's always someone present during delivery hours to sign for it. Which you have to figure is much better than to just have the UPS man leave a big cardboard box on my front porch that has "DELL" in big bold letters on the side. Just a hunch, but I'm guessing that even though I'm in a good neighborhood that the computer would be more likely to disappear that way than if I were to sign for in person.

After I received the computer, I didn't give it much more thought other than the fact that wife will be excited to get her new laptop. It wasn't until I picked up the box to put into the car did I start to think of a devious plot to get my wife good on April Fool's day. The box, although larger than you'd expect for a laptop, was rather light. I know it's just a laptop but for some reason I was expecting it to be heavier due to the size of the box. As a result I initially thought for a split second it was empty. I quickly dispelled the notion but the very thought of an empty box gave me the idea to empty out the box before I gave it to Lynn with a note inside that said "April Fools!!" But on the drive home I hatched an even better plan but it would require some skill and luck in order to pull it off sucessfully.

I got home and took the box into the garage and as originally planned I emptied out the box and left the computer with its accessories in the garage. I then took the empty box and brought it inside with me. I spotted my wife doing sit ups on the floor of our living room, her placement couldn't have been more perfect for what I had planned. I announced, "Hi honey! Look what finally arrived today!" She looked up at me and saw that I was carrying the big box with "DELL" written on the side and exclaimed with a big smile, "My computer's finally here, hooray!"

Just then, I purposely tripped and landed on top of the empty box right next to where Lynn was lying down. My resulting fall and large body frame mercilessly crushed the box flat as a pancake. I really did sell the tripping part too, it was my best acting performance since my turn as Officer Krupke in West Side Story in high school. Try to imagine Chris Farley as the "Van down by the river guy" guy on SNL falling flat onto the coffee table. I think I may have missed my calling as a slap stick artist.

I immediately turned to look at Lynn and she had a huge look of shock on her face, it was truly priceless and worth the bruise I am now sporting on my chest. I let the shock sink for a few seconds and then let her off the hook when I bellowed, "April fools!!" Her look of shock and worry immediately turned to anger and she started to hit me. She knew then that I had gotten her good. It ain't easy pulling off a prank on April 1st as everyone is expecting it. I think you have to go for the quick shock factor before they can think things through.

I'm sure I added fuel to the fire by the very fact that I couldn't stop giggling and smiling about what I had done the rest of the evening. I know I can get rather annoying at times and especially so when I get smug and satisfied like that. Nonetheless, whatever pain I got from the fall or resulting ire I may experience from the wife, that look on her face is something I'll savor for quite some time.

Where has all the customer service gone?

As I write this, my poor wife, Lynn, has experienced something most of have in this day and age of repairs- the 4 hour window that wasn't met. We had an oven that wouldn't heat up and most modern ovens aren't very easy to fix if you don't know what you're doing. Instead of a pilot light there's some sort of electronic heating ignition device and damn if I know how to replace it without blowing up the house. It's the sort of modern convenience that isn't very convenient to the end user. The GE oven is barely 5-6 years old, so we decided to call a GE repairman.

Since appliances are so cheap these days, we have to pay some guy about 1/4th of what we spent on the actual unit itself to just come out and take a look. The money meter starts ticking as soon as he arrives. I'd be willing to bet that if he had to rebuild the unit with parts that you'd spend 25 times the value of the unit on parts alone. As much as it seems a waste of money the more worrisome part is the waste of your time. Whether it's the cable guy, a delivery of a mattress, or a GE oven repairman, you always get a 4 hour window of when that person will grace you with his presence. Half the time, they don't even do that.

Anyways, Lynn makes her appointment of 8am til 12pm thinking that she could get her sleep in shortly after the repairman leaves as she needs to get about 3-4 hours of sleep in order to work her night shift at the hospital before the kids get home at 4pm. She actually gets an automated call at 10pm telling her that she's the next one to be serviced and to get any dogs out of the way. A nice feature except for the fact that no one shows up. She waits til 12:30pm and no one has shown up. Frustrated she calls the service center.

Now here is where the good companies get separated from the bad companies. Anyone can run a business and have most things go right. Make a good product or service, have that product or service do its intended job and have a satisfied customer, it's the end of story for 95% or more of transactions. But as I've learned so aptly from a beach T-shirt I saw in 1987, "Shit Happens". It's when that shit happens and how that company reacts and takes care of the shit is what makes invaluable service or products.

They could make a great customer out of us by doing the right thing and solve the problem or make Lynn happier by offering some sort of concession. But instead, just like most large corporations, the customer service fought with her. If the word sorry was used it was in regards to how Lynn felt (ie. "I'm sorry you feel this way") and not that they are sorry for making her wait all morning and not have the repairman show up on time or even call to say that he's running late. The rep couldn't even tell her when he could come or if it would be anytime soon. No concessions or discounts were offered until Lynn actually cancelled the order.

It's like when you get a new credit card and cancel the old one the old company suddenly starts offering you a much better rate than before. Well, if you could have given such a great rate before I wouldn't be looking for a new card, would I? So once the words, cancel and stop the order were used the rep changed her tune. But by that time it was too late. I can only guess that they are actually trained to stand pat with the goodies until the customer threatens to fly the coop. How awful is that?

I run a small business and when I get a customer upset that my product broke or didn't show up in time or whatever else that could go wrong, I do something to correct it right away. I don't wait until I hear the customer get so upset that they threaten to cancel their order or go to another place. While it's true that there are some irrational customers who you can never satisfy, most people want someone to listen, correct the problem and do a little something for having their time wasted or go through a bit of a pickle.

Instead most companies would rather do what they can to hold onto their nickles until the very last moment before conceding and some don't even concede at all. We as consumers seem to have less and less power when it comes to the big corporations. Customer service has reached an all time low in my opinion. I guess I sound like a cranky old man, but Ebay, GE and all of the other virtual monopolies can go fuck themselves. We need more competition and we need people to start speaking up to getting treated right.

Brian the plumber

I actually have a storied history with me and fixing toilets. This past week I had a dilly of a time trying to change a toilet seat. (more on this in a moment)

It started when I was in my mid 20's and my friend Dave had a problem with his toilet running non-stop in his apartment. Both of us were somewhat new at home repair and living on our own. Despite the fact that his Dad owned a hardware store, neither of us had much of a clue as to how to fix it. We eventually figured out that the gizmo that determined when the toilet tank was full was in need of replacement. We made a quick trip to the hardware store and came back with what we thought was the appropriate part. Once the original part was out we tried to fit in the new piece but it wouldn't fit. I guess the style of toilet didn't match the part we bought.

In hindsight, it wasn't a good idea to get the hammer out. I don't think brute force and porcelain mix well. Thankfully for Dave, his ability to talk his landlord into buying a new toilet (he said it just "crumbled"!!) and having a plumber install it was much better than our first attempt at repair.

Since then I've become quite adept at toilet repair. I've even done that very same repair at least 8 times since then. (including the toilets at work) Being an experienced man in his late 30's, I had all the confidence in the world when it came to making a quick change of the toilet seat this past week. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

When will I ever learn?

For some reason, our toilet seat had developed a crack (no, I'm not talking about the crack of my ass!) on it. While I admit that it very well could have broken due to my fat ass, I will say it more likely it was the result of the children constantly slamming the seat up and down when they use the bathroom like the reckless bulls that they are. The crack was not aesethically pleasing and it tended to pinch your thigh while you sat on it. But, regardless of why the seat needed replacing, I didn't think the undertaking would be all that hard nor expensive. (it was only $9.87 at Walmart for a new seat) The actual installation of the seat took less than 2 minutes, it was the removal of the old seat that took over 2 hours.

The old seat was attached by 2 metal bolts and 2 plastic nuts. Yes, I said plastic. This choice of building materials was my undoing. The bolts had become rusty and the plastic nuts had somehow fused themselves to the bolts. Making it impossible to unscrew the nuts no matter what tool I used. My next action was to take out the bolt cutters. It was hard to get them wedged into the right position and I did manage to snip the one bolt in half (after making a small hole in the wall) but I only snipped off half the plastic bolt as it was flush with the base. That half a bolt prevented it from coming out. So, I snipped the seat of at the hinges from the top.

I think that was a big mistake.

While it enabled me to get the one bolt off, it made it harder to remove the other bolt as it took away my leverage and I wasn't able to fit the bolt cutters on that side of the toilet. I tried many tools including saws, pliers and tin snips to get this bolt out of the base. I even had the hammer out and came to my senses before I used it. I eventually came to the brilliant solution (which my wife independently came up with a similar solution at the same time) to use the glue gun.

I'm sure you're confused as to why using a glue gun worked so I'll explain. The glue gun uses heat to melt the glue in the desired surface. I thought that I took out the glue I could use the tip to melt the plastic off. 20 minutes later with the help of my wife the plastic eventually came off and we had accomplished our mission.

The moral learned here is that things aren't always as easy as they appear, either that or you'll do anything to a have comfortable place to sit while you shit.

Hang in there, Baby!

One of the big ways to be happy in life is to enjoy your work and or the very least not to hate it. I know this because I was once a car salesman. The job itself was fine but the hours sucked and the people in management were the biggest lowlife, loser, power-hungry, assholes you could deal with. Imagine driving 40 minutes to your job and just dreading where you were headed. It drains the life out of you. I was eventually saved when I got back into the family business and I think it's a big reason as to why I'm more emotionally healthy and an overall happy person than I was as a salesman.

My poor wife, Lynn, has no such luck. She chose her profession back at the age of 18 when she decided to go to school to be a lab tech/medical technologist. She loved science and laboratories and thought it would be a great job for her. She then attended 4 years of college- 2 years at Bucks Co. Comm. Col. and 2 at Thomas Jefferson University. Then Lynn got a job right out of school at a hospital just outside Philly on the mainline. The commute was somewhat long but she decided to take the first job she could get and felt comfortable there as she knew some of the people there since she did some intern work at the hospital.

That was probably one of the biggest mistakes she's made in her life.

She never realized how much bullshit politics and bureaucracy goes on at a hospital. Her first boss she despised and she wasn't very happy with the hours of the second shift. She trudged on and eventually got a position with day shift. While a bit happier, she grew tired of the long commute and eventually discovered how much disrepect that the lab techs get from the rest of the hospital and the administration. (and the paycheck reflected this!) She tried for years in vain to get a job at one of the local pharmaceutical companies but never managed get her foot in the door. It seemed that she would have been better off as a recent grad or someone who had experience in the actual business; her hospital skills and experience seemed only valuable to other hospitals.

She eventually moved to on a closer hospital but took a night shift thinking that she'd have more time to spend with the family and less interaction with the stupid back biting among her fellow employees. She soon learned that she's spent more time trying to catch up on sleep than with her family and that the politics doesn't go away and still affects you, even if you aren't present during the day.

That's over 10 years of misery my wife has endured. I think sometimes her brain is being held together with bits of tape and glue as she trudges on every day. Finally, after some soul searching, last year she decided to become a high school science teacher. She realized that she was happiest when instructing the students that would intern at the hospitals over the years and decided that teaching was the best way to get the respect and happiness she desired in a career.

Easier said than done, of course. Changing your entire career path in your early 30's isn't the easiest task.

Lynn decided that taking online courses while still working would be the best course. The online school works out well as she can work at her own hours. But, now, she endures even less sleep as she tries to squeeze in her regular family life along with hours of school work each week and her regular night schedule.

Please don't think she does less work than your regular college student. If anything, I think she does more on average than the college student who attends classes. With online school you are forced to participate in the class discussions. You are required to post in class discussion forums and get graded on what you write. I've seen her create and write more essays and projects than I ever did in one semester's worth of 4-5 classes while she only takes one course at a time. Mind you I was only a Radio, TV and Film major but still, she really has much more than you'd ever expect an online school to have. Online schools now have earned my respect and I hope that employers know that online diplomas are no joke.

There's only so much I can do to calm my wife's stress and allay her fears and concerns over the years. I just hope Lynn realizes that she's about halfway done her schooling and she has less than 9 months until she student teaches. To most outsiders she looks fine, but I know she's coming apart at the seams and needs some support from not just me but her friends. So, if you're a personal friend please be sure to express that you have confidence in her ability.

It's just a little bit longer honey, hang in there!

The Curious Case of the Christmas Crankies

If you hear "HO HO HO!!" and then feel your stomach turning, then you know you're getting the Christmas crankies. Maybe you run out of tape while wrapping the gifts and you start cursing up a storm because you have to go all the way down stairs and run back up before the kids notice what you're doing. It also possible that it started when you waited too long to put up the tree and decorate and now you have even more stupid Christmas things to do while you also still need to do your school work, get some sleep, work your job, make dinner and also fold the friggin' laundry!

Or perhaps it was the 24th time you heard a rendition of Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree and you then screamed at your spouse for forgetting the butter at the store. After all, how the fuck else are you gonna make the goddamned cookies?! It's Christmas after all and you just gotta make cookies cause everyone's expecting you to do it! It's for the kids after all!! Even though those ungrateful little brats ran out of the house to their friends as soon as they finished licking the batter off the beater. So much for having fun with the kids who are now "too old" for that kind of stuff now and they don't even want to help make a stupid batch of cookies that you could've just bought at the Acme!! Plus your mother keeps calling from the toy store and asking you the stupidest questions about what the kids want when you clearly told her about five times before. Obviously, she doesn't understand the difference between a Bakugan and Pokemon but what the fuck else you gonna tell her to get?! It's not like the kids will accept any old toy these days, they're too "sophisticated" and will whine if they don't get what they want exactly because the stupid twerps don't appreciate what their parents and grandparents do for them! Plus some imaginary magical fat guy gets all the credit anyways!! *

If that's what happened, then you definitely have a case of the Christmas crankies.









*please note that the preceding paragraph was fictionalized and although it may seem completely possible, it was , in fact, a made up story that was based in some reality and events over the past few Christmases. Brian does love his spouse but thinks that she overworks herself during the holidays (especially this year when she's also in school while working) and is trying his best to help out and doesn't care that he occasionally gets screamed at for little things and understands that she needs to blow off some steam.

Back cleavage

Nothing makes you feel more young than attending a large party where you are in the top ten of youngest people there. That was the case last night as I went with my wife to her work's Christmas party. Lynn works in a hospital as a lab tech/medical technologist and at age 32 she greatly lowers the average age among her co-workers which is much closer to 55 than 30. There were lots of short haircuts on the women, dresses that would have looked fashionable 20 years ago, and salt and pepper coifs of hair and beards on the men.

The beginning of the party was somewhat adventurous as the lights were out for almost an hour, probably the result of the day's ice storms on the electrical wiring around town. Fortunately the open bar kept going and the bartender managed to dispense drinks and spirits by candlelight. I suggested that since the DJ's couldn't play their music that we murder someone and the rest of us could spend night figuring out who did it. My suggestions were met with an curious scowl as if they thought I could be serious. Instead we ended up singing a rather uninspired version of The Twelve Days of Christmas where each table took their turn singing one part of the song. Our table had "six geese-a-laying" so I got our table to stand up and stick their butts out and squat to pantomime the laying part.

Just as the song was finishing the lights came back on. While were saved from experiencing more sing-alongs I did end up seeing something that will forever be burned as a permanent image in my brain. The woman directly behind us at the next table appeared to be in her 50's and was wearing a low cut in the back dress. When I looked at her I actually did a double take as I originally thought she facing us and had her hair in her face. But she was sitting facing away from us and the reason I originally thought she was looking at us was the fact that her loose skin formed a fold straight down the middle of her shoulder blades. It looked just like your typical cleavage of a woman wearing a low neckline. Perhaps a bit flat chested, but it was clear cleavage all the same.

I furtively pointed out the back cleavage to my wife and her friend as they both laughed heartily. I referred to her as "back cleavage woman" the rest of the night as I would bring it up repeatedly as I often try squeeze out every last laugh possible on any subject. I didn't find out later until we were leaving that "back cleavage woman" was actually Lynn's boss. Had I known that, I might've squeezed some more jokes out of the situation.

Almost as horrifying, the sight of 12 post-menopausal women on the dance floor doing the twist was quite disconcerting. Even worse was when the DJ actually started to play some hip-hop at the bequest of an Iranian-American co-worker who looked like he liked to go clubbing. Watching 50-some year old women start grinding their hips and thrusting their butts back and forth was about as unappetizing as an Old Country Buffet when you have a stomach virus. I don't know if it really irked me because I know one day I might find that sexy or worse, NOT find it sexy and be doomed as a 60 year old man with mid-fifties wife.

Despite my cruel observations, it appeared they were all having a good time. Perhaps as you age your brain loses the ability to feel shame or embarrassment. It would, after all, explain alot about my father's behaviors lately.

Elbow Room

We all have our neurotic moments. Me, I can't touch cotton. I have a friend who washes his hands too often. I have another friend who has to have his upstairs and downstairs light switches all lined up correctly. Plus, I have a brother-in-law who cleans his lampshades once a week. By contrast, my wife, Lynn, seems rather normal. It's when you get her in a crowd is when her crazy gets out and about.

I guess it's a form of claustrophobia (Klaustrophobia?) as she can't stand getting lost in a sea of people and feels like she's surrounded on all sides and can't breathe. She starts to stress out and I feel sorry for whomever gets in her way. (and it's usually me!) It's why she can't enjoy herself fully at places like Disney World or a Phillies game. It was a good thing we went to Disney while it was the offseason, any more crowds to deal with than the small amounts that we had and I might have had to sedate her.

If you think that all women like to shop then you just haven't met my wife. She dislikes the mall and the grocery stores because of the other people in the store. Just this past weekend we were at Target shopping for a few X-mas decorations, new pants for my son and some other odds and ends. You could tell that the store was very crowded as the parking lot was almost full. I could hear her teeth start to grind as we pulled into the lot. Unfortunately, the Xmas section was even more crowded and it was difficult to get around. As I scanned the aisles for the wreath that my wife wanted, I noticed packs of greeting cards that we haven't purchased yet so we could mail them to our friends. I pointed them out to my wife and asked her if we should get them while we were there. She angrily replied, "WE'RE NOT HERE FOR THOSE RIGHT NOW! JUST LET'S FIND THE FUCKING WREATH!!"

Despite my awareness that she kind of loses her sanity, logic and clarity when in a crowd, I always seem to forget as I tend to react the opposite way and hyperfocus. I can zero in on what we need to do or where to go and speedily accomplish that goal. As a result, I can be terribly annoying to her. The best example is when we're leaving the Phillies game or other such event where thousands of people all head to their cars at the same time. I'm a big guy, I'm tall and I'm wide and I'm a man. As such, people tend to yeild to me when I make my way through a large group, I am the Moses of the crowd walkers. I also have a big stride and can move pretty quickly. Unfortunately for Lynn, she gets caught behind slower moving people as she's only 5' 4" and skinny to boot. Plus she doesn't walk as fast as I do. I find myself looking back 2 seconds after being by her side and she's trapped behind two old fuddy duddys who made their way in front of her.

Needless to say, I catch a lot of shit from her for not being courteous enough to wait for her. It's just that's it's almost painful for me to walk that slowly. I suppose, it's just as painful for her to drown in the swarms of concert goers or baseball fans. I think that this Christmas I might buy her a wheelchair, a blindfold and a MP3 player. That way I can just wheel her out of the crowds and allow her to sit back and relax to some music in the darkness.

Billy goes to Newtown Brewfest

As banal and unfunny the Family Circus comic strip was (and still is), as a child I always did enjoy the ones where there was a map of the neighborhood and you could follow the dotted line to see where Billy went that day and what he did. Tomorrow my wife and I got the in-laws to babysit and we are joining my friend, Nicole and her husband Rob at the Newtown Brewfest. There we will get a tasting glass and get to sample beers from 80 different breweries and microbreweries. So, in honor of Bil Keane and his comic strip maps, here is what I think might happen tomorrow (click map for larger view):


1) Excited and fresh- Brian and Lynn park their 2003 Taurus in the lot and gleefully walk towards the first set of breweries' stands, they meet Nicole and Rob and check in to get their glass.

2) With his 2oz. tasting glass, Brian stops at every booth in the first row sampling each wonderful microbrew. He takes his time and enjoys each sip and every subtle nuance of the beers. By the time he gets to the end of the first row, he feels pressure in his bladder and heads for the port-a-potties.

3) Brian's first visit to the port-a-potties goes off without a hitch and he feels much relieved.

4) With an empty bladder Brian is starting to feel good, real good. Life is wonderful and there is another row of breweries to taste. As he samples more beer he tends to get a bit randy and smacks Lynn's butt a few times as they visit more breweries. The time spent at each stand gets shorter and shorter as Brian just sticks his glass out, chugs it and moves on to the next stand.

5) Feeling hungry Brian makes his way towards the food stands and notices a band playing some music. They mostly suck, but Brian grabs Lynn's unwilling hand starts to spin around and dance. When Lynn manages to get away, Brian grabs Nicole and flings her around swing style despite it being a slow song. Eventually Brian gets tired and heads toward the food stands.

6) After eating and making obvious and inappropriate jokes about sausages, Brian's buzz starts to wear off a bit and he starts to feel nauseous and is getting a headache. He heads towards the port-a-potties in the hopes that less bladder pressure will relieve him.

7) At the port-a-potties, Brian can't stomach the sausages anymore and power pukes just barely after he manages to get inside one.

8) With an empty stomach, Brian feels renewed and starts to sample more beers. After trying the Sly Fox beers, his walk is starting to show a pronounced swagger. Sensing that he is near the end of the line he makes a mad rush of trying every beer that he can; often he sneaks a second tasting.

9) Having tried almost every brew at the fest, Brian is now shit-faced drunk. He still has small chunks of puked up sausage on his shirt and is singing silly songs and changes the lyrics to his liking and amusement. He eventually gets into a fight with his embarassed wife, Lynn and wanders away by himself. He spies the building in front of him and sees the fire escape on the side of the wall. A very terrible idea jumps to the front of his thought processeses as he stumbles his way towards the building.

10) He manages to climb up the fire escape and gets on top of the building. He is on the roof shouting, "I am the lishard king!! And I can do whatever things I wansh!!" A crowd draws near as he dancing along the roof top. Suddenly Brian sees security and makes a dash for the edge of the roof.

11) Seeing a dumpster filled with cardboard below Brian jumps off and lands below. He sprains his ankle badly and is nabbed by the waiting police officers below. He is hog tied by handcuffs and dragged to the waiting police car.

12) Carted away by the Newtown police, Brian is singing in the back of the car. He thinks of how he can't wait til next year and what new adventures can be found at the 2009 Newtown Brewfest.

Bring out your dead

There must be something weird I am doing for this to happen. But in the last two post season appearances the Phillies have made I've been witness to the aftermath of a serious accident.

Last year when the Phils played in game 1 against the Rockies (which they lost), I drove down to see the game with my wife. We were complaining about traffic on route 309 South the whole way down as it was really slow and I was getting worried because I didn't want to be late for the 1st playoff game in 14 years. We felt horrible about complaining because we eventually came upon a construction worker on the side of the road who had a sheet pulled over him. I have no idea if he had a heart attack or was the victim of an accident. Didn't really matter, as dead is dead.

This past Friday my friend Jeff and I were giddy with glee as we left our seats. The Phils had just won game 2 of the series against the Dodgers. But our mood soured quickly as we ventured out to the stairwell from section 419 to see a lifeless body laying on the concrete on the concourse of the 300 level. We overheard that just seconds before the poor guy had fallen over the railing that overhung the stairs and from about row 9. Just from eyeballing it, I'd say it was at least a 30 to 35 foor drop. The man had already had scores of people trying to help so I said to Jeff that it would be best to just get out of the way and not stand around and gape.

It wasn't until hours later I learned from a fellow poster at Backshegoes.com (who I sold the seats next to me and Jeff to) that when he came upon the scene that the man was moving his fingers and had a brace on him as they were putting him on the stretcher. Now, it's comforting to know the guy is alive, but he could be majorly fucked up. It seriously freaked me and Jeff out as we were somewhat silent on the car ride back, especially considering the Phillies just won a huge game.

Had he died from the fall it would have been the 4th fresh dead body I have seen. (I'm not counting funerals) The first was my mother after she gave up the ghost on a gloomy February morning while I was showering. My brother came downstairs to find her dead as we had her home for hospice care for her terminal cancer. My father, broter and I all sat on the couch and looked at her in shock even though we knew that this moment was coming any day.

The next dead guy I saw was at the Trevose train station. I was parked waiting for my girlfriend and future wife to come home from Jefferson university. I was doing a puzzle and heard the conductor screaming at the top of his lungs, "Aw FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!" I looked up and saw a man laying on the tracks behind the SEPTA train. Lynn had found out the next day from other commuters that the man was from New York and was in Philly on business. He was taking the Septa train from Philly to Trenton and catching NJ Transit from there. He had fallen asleep and misheard the announcement of the Trevose stop for Trenton. Once he was off the train he realized his mistake and jumped back on the train without his briefcase. He jumped off again for the briefcase but had fallen under the train and was crushed to death.

I don't really care to see another dead body. Despite the fact that a dead body can't do anything to me, it is a harsh reminder of our mortality. I'd rather blissfully ignore that cold, hard reality as much as I can. It may, however, be more important to remember that for no reason, like that guy who fell asleep on a train, that stupid shit can happen at any time, no matter how careful you are.

Ooops, is this another Carpe Diem post?

Don't cry over spoiled milk.

One of the things about being married for over 10 years and being together for 14 years total is that you tend to get annoyed by stupid shit that your spouse does without fail. I know for a fact that I am guilty of my own transgressions so please don't think that I think I am without sin. My concept of what is "on time" bugs the crap out of Lynn as I get antsy if we aren't 15 minutes early to everything. I leave my dirty socks in the living room at the end of the night and I'm lazy when it comes to emptying the ice cube trays and refilling them. Lynn's quirk is that she always forgets to put dairy products back into the fridge.

Perhaps she forgets to put other things back into the fridge and I tend to only notice the butter, margarine, creamer, milk, cheese and sour cream more often since it is more apt to spoil after being out of the fridge. Perhaps, she's being passive aggressive and knows that it annoys me and she does it on purpose. I am of the theory that the dairy turns invisible to her eyes only after it is used. It could be the only logical explanation.

Don't think I'm joking about this. It may not turn physically invisible, but it could be a mental block for her. The occurrence of her leaving the dairy out has increased exponentially in the past 2 years. After dinner, it is my job to clean up since she does the majority of the cooking. At that point, I'll see the half and half or heavy cream sitting out on the counter that she used to make the chowder. Or it could be the margarine that she used to grease the pan that's sitting out and it's turned all soft. The worst is when she uses dairy for her own use and I am not there to clean it up. Sometimes, I'll venture into the kitchen for a snack and see that the cream cheese has been out for 3 hours.

Little annoyances like this are just that, little. But when your mood turns sour as the milk in my house and you get into a snit with the wife, the gauntlet is thrown down and you start to jab each other with insensitive comments about their stupid habits. "Well, at least I'm not poisoning our children with moldy cheese!" is a reply I might've used during a recent argument. All of the little annoyances you ignore over the years tend to fester inside and build up and get thrown into that hum dilly of an argument you have about 3 times a year. Then you and your spouse tend to do your best to correct the behavior for about a month until you slip back into old habits again.

At least the government sets price controls on dairy so if the milk does spoil we aren't losing much money. Again, I stress that this is no big deal. It's just funny that we can get so upset over stupid shit like this. It shows that the quality of our life is pretty good that dirty socks and warm butter is enough to throw you for a loop. It's the relative nature of things and it's a sign that things are pretty good if the worst to be upset over is spoiled milk.

Around the world in 80 minutes

My Oktoberfest party was a lot of fun. Lots of beer and sausage were consumed as the German tradition dictates. The pumpkin ale was somewhat disappointing. The beer itself wasn't that bad, but I thought it would taste, well...more pumpkiny. It had a nutmeg smell but no real spicy taste nor any real pumpkin flavoring. The Sam Adams Octoberfest was great as always and the Long Trail was some really good stuff. My friend Nicole brought some Magic Hat as well so there was enough beer to get me intoxicated to say the least.

The sausage was also great, especially the veal sausage. We got it from Illg's meats and it was mind blowingly good. I did purchase way too much strudel so I had to push it on people as they were leaving. With all of those elements and add the fact that my name is Klaus, the party was certainly very German. However, as the party started to wind down to a small handful of people, for some strange reason we experienced more of an Asian flavor.

My friend, Karen, doesn't eat red meat so I can only assume she getting hungry considering we didn't offer much in the way of vegetarian or poultry. She was asking me during a conversation (and I was already quite drunk at this point) where I get my Sushi from. I informed her of Eastern Dragon, the Chinese/Japanese place down the road from us and how their Volcano roll is amazing. Lynn even added her 2 cents and recommended the New Ware Roll. Before you know it, we were ordering delivery of 3 plates of sushi. (Crazy tuna to round out the trio)

As we waited for the delivery, I began to straighten up the place a bit. I found out later that Karen was leading my wife, Karen's friend, and my wife's co-worker in different yoga poses. It later led to us devouring the sushi in no time and eventually everyone was playing Wii tennis and bowling. Thus, we added some Indian and Japanese culture to the party to make it an Eurasian experience.

If you couldn't make it this year then hopefully we'll see you next year. Unless, of course, we both die in a horrible plane crash. In which case- hold an Oktoberfest party in our honor.

Now serving at Oktoberfest

My wife and I had a fun fall party last year and we've decided to do it again this year. It will most likely become an annual event. Although, as my father gleefully points out our error, Oktoberfest in Germany is actually held in September. Thus, this year we are having it closer to the beginning of the month for more authenticity. Nevertheless, most of my friends are Jewish and they have no clue anyways. We'll be serving plenty of sausages (aka "traif") and I will have lots of beer available-

In bottles, I have a fall variety pack of Long Trail beers. Long Trail is an excellent brewery located in Vermont. The variety pack includes: Long Trail Ale, Traditional IPA, Blackberry Wheat (I'm looking forward to trying that one), and their Harvest beer. We'll also have some leftover Sam Adams Cherry Wheat beer.


Harvest beer is probably the same thing as the Octoberfest beers you see all over the place now. A nice rich lager with caramel flavors and a spicy aftertaste. Which brings us to what's on tap...

I have 2 sixthles on tap. The first is a must for this time of year and is one of my all time favorite beers, Sam Adams Octoberfest. This year's brew is especially nice and goes down easy.
I also have taken a step on the wild side and decided to go crazy, I have a kegful of Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale. Hopefully, it goes over well tonight or else I might be stuck drinking pumpkin pie for a month.

I almost got a keg of the new Budweiser American Ale. They had some to sample at the beer store yesterday and I was really surprised as to how good it was. If you get a chance to get some in a bar, I recommend it. Of all the big breweries, I think Bud and Michelob does the best job of making mass produced beer. I'll still always prefer microbreweries, but their small inroads into the profits of the big breweries has caused them to start making some decent stuff. Competition is always a good thing.

For those who couldn't make it to the party this year, I say, "Too bad, you're going to miss a good time and hopefully we'll see you next year!". For those of you who I will see tonight, I say, "PARTY!! WOOOOOOOO!!!! GO PHILS!!!"

A Hello to Arms

My youngest son, Gabriel, is quite the gun nut lately. It's not just guns either- swords, knives, axes, scythes, light sabers and anything else that can cause bodily harm in the pretend world is what really grabs his attention. He's even based his Halloween costume on what weapon compliments the outfit. As a result he's the grim reaper because he got a kick ass axe/scythe like weapon. It's on a long stick so he has greater range to decimate his foes. Good choice, IMO.

I'm about the furthest thing from being a proud NRA card carrying member. While I have softened my stance a bit due to my inclination to becoming more libertarian in my politics, I feel that guns rights may be fine for others but it's certainly not something I'm clamoring to have in my house. I think that the chances of an accidental or impulsive shooting are much higher risks than ever using a gun to defend me and my family. Perhaps, I'll feel differently if congress doesn't get their shit together and save us from the next world depression and there is mass chaos and looting in the streets.

Last night, Gabe laid out all of his action figure's guns on the table. he proceeded to ask me what type of gun each one was. To be honest, he knew more about the names than I did. I couldn't recall the name of a bazooka as he did, so why he was asking me, I have no idea- was he looking for tacit approval of his fascination? I did know what an Uzi was and he now has Israeli weaponry in his scope of knowledge. I try not to be judgmental, he is a 7 year old boy after all. Guns and weapons are cool, neato, rad, awesome, etc... It's something that I hope he'll eventually outgrow as he comes to the realization that death and destruction aren't things to be lauded.

When Lynn and I set out to be the best of parents, we tried to keep toy guns out of their hands. Gradually, over the years, we let in water guns, Nerf guns, space pistols and other such opaquely toyish guns. Their action figures come with tiny version of realistic guns and so far we have yet to get anything realistic looking like I had as a child. It wouldn't surprise me if realistic toy guns have gone the way of lawn darts as being too irresposible for children to have. I can imagine that some kids have been shot holding a toy gun that was mistaken as real. My kids have missed out on candy cigarettes too. I guess anything the ATF agency has jurisdiction over isn't something that should be marketed towards children.

The fact that Jonathan and Gabriel have friends that constantly wish to pretend that they are battling each other adds to my son's fascination with weapons. It leaves me as being torn between thinking that "boys will be boys" and genuine concern that Gabe isn't learning proper values that I hold about violence. I hope that my lack of major intervention is the best course of action at this point. In 11 years, I don't wish to see my son join up with army so he can shoot things with cool weapons.

School fools

It was an exciting day of school activity for the Klaus family, present company excluded. Aside from the kids starting up school again today, my wife was also at school observing a class. Lynn decided a few months ago to go back to school and become a high school science teacher. She's now working at night, sleeping during the day and doing online school during the evenings and whenever else she gets a free moment. I've done my best to help around the house with what I can and also avoid her when she becomes a stark, raving, mad, stressed-out lunatic. Since the online class is in Arizona she was put in the unfortunate predicament of having to schedule an observance and report on a class by this Wednesday. School in the west and south tend to start earlier than Labor day so it was extremely difficult for Lynn to be able to schedule an observance considering that the local schools haven't started until today. Nonetheless, she persevered and managed to convince our son's teacher from last year to let her come and watch today (we still had her email- hooray modern technology and the inter-webs!!). Thus, all three of my loved ones went to the same elementary school for some education.

Despite the end of summer vacation, I do recall getting excited over going back to school. You do get to see your friends that you haven't seen all summer again, you have a new wardrobe to sport and it's a brand new startwith new teachers so you're committed to putting your nose to the grindstone and getting great grades. The last sentiment lasts all about a week, but still it's fun to dream.

Looking back (do I do much else on this blog?) on my school years I had some rough patches but overall enjoyed my experiences. Elementary school was easy and fun. Intermediate school, like for most, was hellish and awful- a kill or be killed world. (and I was killed most of the time- chubby, nerdy and smart kids don't do so well on the social ladder) High school was where I really blossomed. I lost alot of weight- I was able to snag a few dates until I eventually went steady. Plus, I had alot of friends. It didn't seem like much at the time, but in hindsight I did have a much bigger number than I realized. That is, if my facebook account is to be believed. I was part of a few clubs like Boy Scouts, drama and marching band and I even was part of a 6 man comedy team that performed sketches live on stage (twice!!). As a result, I also had a sense of accomplishment and feeling wanted. College had its share of ups and downs. Especially lots of downs towards the end with my mood disorder in full swing (forgive the pun). Despite my failures, I would do it all over again for the experiences it provided me.

Now I get to watch my sons go through the same thing. Hopefully I can impart some wisdom that they'll actually follow. But I doubt that as I generally ignored my parents and blew them off as not being able to understand me and what I was going through (how wrong I was). The arrogance of youth is something to be marveled at. The ability to charge into a room at full speed without experience is a beautiful thing to watch. The lack of good common sense is what enables the young to learn after all. The best lessons are often not what your parents and teacher can give you but what is experienced by yourself.

RIP Oogley Googley

My children have just experienced their first pet death. We have had three gold fish since September and last night I noticed that the one that had bulging eyes looked white and was limp and caught in the filter. His cause of death is unknown but hey, it's a fish and I'm not doing an autopsy on the way to the toilet. My nonchalance attitude about Oogley Googley's demise was quite the opposite reaction that my children had.

The kids were brushing their teeth before bed and I informed Lynn as to the dead fish. She grabbed the net and scooped him into a container and we decided to let the kids say goodbye before flushing him away to his final watery grave.

"Jonathan and Gabriel" Lynn said as she walked into the bathroom with the corpse, "I have some bad news, Oogley Googley has died." (Try saying that with a straight face!!)

Immediately both kids started bawling and howling as if they were told I was dead or all of their Pokemon cards burned up in a freak fire. Tears streamed down their faces as they loudly lamented the news of his death. While I wasn't expecting them to be happy about the news, I was somewhat shocked about how hard they took it. Their wails were reminiscent of Muslim women at funerals in the middle east. They were bawling so loudly that it became comical to my wife and I and I even had to leave the room to laugh as Lynn hugged them close so she could smile without them seeing. I know that sounds insensitive but the complete overreaction was a sight to behold. It was just a fish after all.

Nevertheless, we consoled them as best as we could as toothpaste dribbled out of their crying mouths. Jonathan informed us that he may want to stay home the next day so he could grieve. I would've thought it was good angle shoot but his concern was genuine so I didn't answer him right away. They seemed fine this morning and they went to camp seemingly unaffected.

They expressed their wishes that if we were to get another fish that we would honor him and name him Oogley Googley II. Death hits us all differently. In some ways having fish is a good growth tool as children can learn about mortality without having true tragedy.

So, thanks for brightening our lives a little bit Oogley Googley, it was nice knowin' ya!

Oogley Googley
2007-2008
RIP

Out of office alert! Gonna go see the wife's kin.

Lynn's cuz in South Carolina is having his 25th anniversary party this weekend. As a result, I'm stuffing the kids in the car tomorrow morning and making the 10+ hour trek to Greenville. I doubt that I'll be posting any blog entries during this long weekend. I also hope that the moonshine will not make me go blind.

Have a good weekend.

Do you know the way to San Jose? Trip Report part IV, Final report

I've wondered if I caused my blog to come to a grinding halt with this long winded trip report. Nonetheless, I will trudge on and finish for the one or two people who who wished to be bored.


Last we left the story, we we both got dressed up in fancy clothes and boarded the wine train. It was our anniversary night so I splurged for the glass top seats so we could have the best view on what would be a romantic night. The meal itself was very nice, the service was top notch. It was like having a gourmet meal on a moving (slowly- about 10mph of you ask me) train. Aside from the fun of watching our waiter pour drinks while rocking, there wasn't much benefit to eating a meal while on a train. I can't say that I recommend it. Even when the train stopped before dessert, we went to the back of the train for a look-see and all there was a tin shack and a dusty road. Plus the view was repetitive with mostly vineyard after vineyard and some strip malls thrown in. Most vineyards didn't even decorate towards the side of the train tracks.

Despite some disappointment, we had a very nice time. It's hard to feel slighted when you have a beautiful woman staring lovingly into your eyes the whole time.

The next day we went on a bus tour that stopped at various wineries. The benefit was that you could taste to your heart's delight and not have to worry about getting inebriated and driving over a hillside cliff or into the wine train. Our tour guide was a middle aged woman who dressed as if she were 25 and had a fun attitude. She probably had danced and slutted up the disco floors in the 70's and 80's. Her fun outlook, however, was infectious as it was genuine feeling and not a forced saccharine of "Hey, I'm a wild and crazy tour guide and let's party!" kind of feeling. Her knowledge of the valley and the wines was very astute and she took us to places we probably wouldn't have gone since they were mostly smaller vineyards and tasting rooms. Towards the end of the end of the day and having bought 11 bottles of wine, I was getting really sick of drinking. Lynn also was feeling the alcohol as she started to really miss the kids.

We had a small Italian dinner at a cafe that night and called it an early night. (we are soooo lame, aren't we?) The next morning we had our breakfast and made our way towards San Jose. The GPS was getting really annoying as it seemed to tell me to turn on the wrong ramps several times. I was ready to throw the system out the window, had I heard the voice saying, "recalculating" one more time. Eventually we found our way to the Winchester mystery house.

Had you not heard of this place, you should visit the wiki page about it as it's a really neat place. The tour was among my favorite parts of the trip. Our tour guide was a 60-something Texan who loved to laugh loudly at his own jokes. It was truly scary. It's one thing to laugh at your own stupid humor, but it's another thing when that laugh is loud and boisterous. I've making Lynn laugh over the last week as I've been imitating the tour guide a few times. We then had a nice dinner at a pub that made it's own beer. Much like an Iron Hill Brewery, it was anice cap to our trip. The next morning we made the 7 hour trip home and finally got to see our kids, whom we missed terribly at that point.


So, that was my trip. I'm sure I left out some details, but I was boring enough. Tomorrow, I'll post about something nutty again.

Whine -Trip Report part III

We arrived in Napa in the mid-afternoon and with nothing in our bellies but some cherries. We did a quick check in at a beautiful bed & breakfast located right in town. The proprietor let us know where the diner, Taylor's Automatic was located. This was a place that we saw on Food network's Drive-ins, Diners and Dives that we thought looked pretty neat. I ordered a burger that had an onion ring with blue cheese in the middle and bacon. We also ordered some buttered garlic fries that tasted fantastic. It was like diner food with a Napa gourmet twist and it was dee-lish!

By the time we finished our late lunch, there really was no time to visit any wineries since most closed by 430PM. Luckily our B&B room had a jacuzzi tub for 2 and we took a nice long soak. It was perfect and fun and I'll spare you the details of what else we did in the room. (altho, look for me to upload some digital video soon...) We eventually poked our heads out and checked out other parts of the inn. They had a table with some cards and giant checkers. So I jokingly used the checkers as poker chips and we played each other heads up for a few hands. (red was $5 and black was $10) The game soon changed into blackjack and then the wildest game of Crazy Eights I've ever played. The damn game just wouldn't end. I kept picking up spades and diamonds and Lynn kept picking up clubs and hearts. After 20 minutes we called it a draw and went out in search of food and wine.

We went into the main town of Napa and found a wine bar that had some decent food. We shared a cheese plate and had some soup and started to drink some copious amounts of red wine. Lately I've been into Red Zinfandel and Lynn has been liking the Syrahs. Before I could get too drunk we made it back and called it a night.

The next day we had decided to visit a few wineries on our own before going to the wine train for our anniversary dinner. That day was our actual anniversary. Lynn's co-worker had recommended 2 wineries to us when she heard we were visiting Napa. We plugged the address into the GPS system and quickly learned it was 90 minutes away!! I guess she thought that any winery in CA is close to each other. (we later found out that Napa valley only produces 6% of California wines.) Not to be daunted by the trip, I trudged forward as it was something my wife wanted to do and it was my anniversary and I was willing to do whatever made her happy.

Of course just as we got close to the Rte 101 exit to Healdsburg the GPS system was flashing low battery- no problem- we'll just plug it in and let it charge as it works....

NOPE

It didn't charge at all and it the damn thing just quit on us!!

So, he we are in a place I have no idea where I'm at, no maps, no GPS, and no idea on how to get back to the Inn! I called Alamo to complain and to see what could be done. They said it was like to be a fuse in the charger that needed replacing and to find one at a local gas station. We eventually stumbled on an auto parts store and after not finding the needed fuse at first we did find the necessary fuse in a box of 20 assorted fuses.

Whew!

But wait!

Murphy's law is still in play here....

We ended up on winding curvy roads again but this time there was a big bicycle touor going on at the time. It was impossible to pass the bikers since you couldn't see if someone was approaching on the other side of the road. So, basically we're stuck going 15 MPH down these roads and when we finally got to where the GPS said the winery was- THERE WAS NO WINERY!!

WTF?

Fed up I did a U-turn and headed back towards the highway. I saw a random winery and immediately drove in.

My impatience turned into some luck. The winery was called Everett and the people there was perhaps the friendliest people we came across the whole trip. The man did at first chide me because of my Phillies attire (the Phils beat the Giants the night before) but it turned out to be a pretty good batch of wines, plus the view was fantastic- it was situated on top of a hill that overlooked the valley and wineries. We bought a few bottles and headed towards the other winery recommended by Lynn's friend. That did turn out to be the right address and we found some nice mustards to buy aside from a few bottles of wine.

We didn't have time to visit Mondavi or Berringer's due to our reservation but even though we were out of the way, it was worth the trip.


Next up-- the wine train and getting sick of wine...

Head fer dem dar hills!! Trip report part II

Even if you haven't been to San Francisco before, you are probably aware of the many hills the city is situated upon. Walking around the city gives you a heckuva workout to say the least. I think that's why most people who live in the city aren't fatties. So, when we arrived by ferry to Alcatraz island, I thought we'd get a rest from walking up and down the streets of San Francisco.

No such luck.

Alcatraz is essentially a huge hill in the middle of the bay. Once a military post to protect the new city and it's gold mines, it was converted into a federal prison once the need for such a post was outdated. The prison was built at the acme of the big hill and one has to ascend up 4 steep inclines to start the tour.

Having already walked to the ferry boat from Fisherman's wharf, we were huffing and puffing rather heavily by the time we could start our audio tape tour (well, I was, Lynn is in shape.). The tour itself was one of the best parts of the trip. I am fascinated by mysteries as I already posted last month. The Alcatraz escape is right up there with the DB Cooper hijacking as far as peaking my interest levels. What I found strange is that the audio tour and park rangers never call it an escape but rather an escape "attempt". They acknowledge that the 3 men got over the fence and into the bay but since they deem it likely that they got killed by the frigid waters and torrent currents they never say that it was possible they escaped. Myself, I hold more faith in Clint Eastwood to think that the water could have taken him.

After the tour we headed back to the piers and wharf and had a decent meal on Pier 39. I loved sampling the local brews of Sierra Nevada, Anchor Steam and some Portland wheat ale that was very tasty. I figure since we were were going to Napa, there was no sense in partaking of wine until we arrived there. (and I'm glad we waited) The long day of walking caused an early night for us again and I think we still hadn't adjusted to the new time zone completely.

The next morning we had to check out and make our way up to the Napa valley. We decided to do a driving tour of the rest of San Fran and I even made my way down the treacherous Lombard street. Lombard street is so steep that they built switchbacks for a stretch of the road. Even scarier was parking on the next street down so we could get out and take pictures of the street. We had to park perpendicular to the street and it felt like our car could tip over with just a stiff wind. It was hard just getting my door open as I had to fight gravity to get out of my seat. Soon after we made our way to a few spots in the Golden Gate park. The park was beautiful and had all sorts of flowers and plants we didn't recognize and had an interesting pillar with statues in one part surrounded by a pond. The statues face away from the viewer with their heads down as if they were purposely trying to ignore us and/or moon us.

After the parks we ventured out to the Golden Gate bridge. I wasn't expecting much as I thought it was "just a bridge", but I must admit it has some mystical quality about it. It's a truly impressive bridge and it has much more much character than say the Walt Whitman. Driving across it, however, wasn't any more thrilling than any other bridge. (My favorite bridge drive is the Chesapeake Bay bridge) We set the GPS system to take us to Muir redwoods park and of course we encountered even more hills. Lots and lots of twisty and curvy hill side roads led us towards the park. I was very glad that I was not drunk or impaired in some fashion.

We eventually came across a roadside vendor and since all we had for breakfast was some coffee we bought some really delicious cherries. It was fun driving thru the curvy roads and spitting pits over the cliffs. Once we got to the park we started out on a 3 mile hike thru the woods. Being on the east coast, you just never get to see trees with trunks so wide and tall. I highly recommend going on this hike. Of course, the hike consisted of walking up hill and walking alongside a narrow and winding trail on the ridge. It was alot of fun and scenic.

The rest of the day consisted of traveling to Napa and checking in at the B&B- more on this soon...