Just the facts ma'am!

Facebook tends to get trendy sometimes. Back when it just started getting cold people kept sending each other "snowball" fights. I still get lots of "Lil Green plants" and other such silly things that people send each other on the site. The most recent trend was to post a note and give 25 facts about yourself that people probably didn't know. You then tag your friends who you'd think would do the same thing.

In less than a week I had 5 friends tag me in their 25 facts. I felt compelled to write something but I honestly didn't think I could come up with 25 real and interesting facts about myself. Hell, one friend had the tissue of her dead unborn twin in skin of her belly! How could I possibly compare? It was at that point I did what I needed to do-

-make shit up!

Here's a copy of my 25 "facts":

1) I have a mole on my back that resembles Abraham Lincoln's profile, complete with stove top hat. I even have a hair growing out the area of Abe's chin and beard. At first, I thought I should go to the dermatologist and get it checked for skin cancer but Lincoln was probably a top 5 president and he also freed the slaves. I couldn't have the fact that I got Abraham Lincoln biopsied weighing on my conscience.

2) Once in year, on the 8th day of the 8th month (August 8th) I participate in a ritual that I call the"Eight Meats Feast". On that day I purchase, prepare and consume 8 lbs of 8 different meats. Eating 8lbs of meat is not as hard as you'd think and finding the 7th and 8th different meat is quite the challenge as I can only choose one fish. Last year I had beef, pork, chicken, lamb, shrimp, venison, ostrich and Botswanian Monkey meat.

3) I think that VHS will make a comeback someday.

4) My wife and I once decided to start a pot farm. We had it all planned out and bought all of the equipment, storage facility and drying vats. Turns out we had purchased the wrong the seeds due to a small reading error. If anyone wants any free "Mari"golds- please let me know.

5) In 1992 I saved all of my urine in jars and still have them in storage in Columbia MD.

6) I shave my head using male pattern baldness as a guide.

7) I can fit 9 and half mice into my mouth at once without harming 9 of them.

8) I write my congresswoman at least twice a day. For some reason this has attracted the attention of the secret service.

9) We told our children that a monster lived in the basement when they were young. It was a great motivator when they misbehaved.

10) I am wanted by the law in 11 different states. I am a serial mattress tag remover.

11) In the 70's as a child, my parents were in a financial bind and gave me to the CIA for experiments with drugs and weird electronic devices. I have been fortunate that the only two side effects that I've noticed so far is a third testicle and the green glowing fungus in my armpits.

12) I have informed my wife that after my death that I would like her to take my body to a taxidermist. Have me stuffed and insert a speaker with various digital recordings of me. She would then take me to places and have me say the appropriate things.

13) I am working on inventing a new sex toy for hermaphrodites. I'm calling it the "Push N' Pull".

14) In my spare time I like to go to the train yard- and beat up hobos with a crow bar.

15) For a year I impersonated being a surgeon. The surgery itself wasn't so tough to do, it was listening to patients' screams and pleas to stop that was a chore.

16) I use my dog's skin to breed bot fly larva.

17) I have the unique ability to pass gas in 5 distinct and equally horrible odors.

18) When getting change from a cashier I always ask for 2 dollar bills back. When they tell me that they don't have any I fly into a rage and leave the store without purchasing anything.

19) By my last count, I have discovered 87 legitimate uses for Vick's Vapo-Rub.

20) I like to go into shoe stores and switch the shoes around so people will buy 2 lefts or 2 rights.

21) I sometimes scream "Thar she blows!!" at the moment of climaxing.

22) I firmly believe that inappropriate laughter is the best medicine.

23) I think there is nothing wrong with using your own poop to sculpt.

24) I like to make random phone calls and start crying that "Hank died". About one in every 153 calls I get a concerned response.

25) I not very good at lying or making things up.

Update: I am victorious

One of the weird side effects of having a lack of attention for more than 5 minutes when I'm feeling agitated is that I actually have the ability to hyper-focus for short bursts. Which is perfect for when you're playing Scramble against your nemesis, Cindy- the super-bitch genius. As evidenced below, I've recently made some excellent inroads on our recent battles. I think I will refer to this period as "The Surge".

Not only have I beaten her 3 times in a row in heads up matches but I had a great solo game which now puts me at the top of the ladder, just a mere 2 points above Cindy. I told you she was going down!

Scrambled Egos

Facebook has alot of time sucking activities. While I'm not a big fan of most of the crap that's on there (Lil' Green Patch gifts?!), I do enjoy the puzzle games like Scramble (a Boggle rip-off), Pathwords (another Boggle variant), Word Twist and Challenge Sudoku. Pretty much every day, in the past 15 years, I've completed a crosswords puzzle, a Sudoku board or a word scramble. Quite often I will do more than one. Needless to say I very much enjoy puzzles and I have gotten quite good at them- if I don't say so myself.

So when my friend Andy first started to challenge me to some of the aforementioned puzzle games on Facebook, I delighted in kicking his ass from here to his apartment in Washington DC. It took a little while to get used to the online format and I had to hasten my answers as the timer makes a huge difference but once I got used to it, I started to beat my friends piddly scores at most any game.

That is until Cindy came along....

Cindy is an old friend of mine from my high school days. She was both a band geek and drama nerd like myself. I always knew she was a smart gal but I had no idea that she could consistently best me over and over and over again like she has in the past 3 weeks. Although, I will admit I started to bore of toying with Andy and my other friends in Pathwords, I am not amused by the predicament that is my current lot in life.

She is good, damn good. I have sqeaked out a few wins here and there, but she consistently beats my scores. Even in Sudoku she beats me and I consider myself to a very strong player. At first, I was in shock and thought she got lucky. After she beat me 3 times in a row I started to accuse her of cheating. How else could she be scoring that high?! Eventually my ire caused me to stop challenging her to any games. My ego couldn't take any more. But then she started to challenge me!! I felt like a mouse who gets batted around by a cat until it's ready to break my neck and leave me on the front porch.

At least the competition has caused us to push each other to do better. Andy has even marveled at how high my scores have been lately and that is a direct result of this super-genius bitch driving me to the edge of insanity. I'm a competitive guy and it's why I get so upset when I lose at poker. I want to beat everyone and when someone is clearly better than me, well, that is a huge beat down to the old ego.

While my initial reaction was to move on to easier prey, I've now decided to make it my mission in life (right after raising my children and being a good husband) to grab Cindy by the ankles and drag her down to the ground and smoosh her superior brainy puzzle-solving skull into the mud with me. If you think that sounds a bit violet, don't worry- it's a metaphor. Besides, she's a republican and she deserves it.

Oh yes, I will have my day, look out Cindy- I've started some intensive training and you're going down.

Confessions of a Facebook addict.

It starts out with the best of intentions. Heck, you don't even think you'll like Facebook as it sounds like a dressed up version of Myspace. You're no teeny-bopper, after all. Still, you figure to pop on and have a look-see as you might find that old friend of yours that you haven't seen in 15 years and it'll be good to drop him a line.

You sign up and find a few friends. You take a look at their pictures and their cute children. "Aww, look! Steve has his little boy wrapped around his head." "I see Marie hasn't changed much." "Wow, Josh actually is wearing matching outfits with his 1 year old..." A fun jaunt, yes, but nothing too distracting. You leave a message on the wall of an old friend as you log off.

The next thing you know is that you get a notification in your email box from facebook. It's letting you know someone has "poked" you. "Hmmph... I wonder what that's all about", you think to yourself. So you log back on and end up giving a poke back to Andy. Then all of the sudden someone has superpoked you and sent you a hug! Well, I'll teach her and I'll send back a superpoke myself and issue a restraining order. While you're there Facebook is recommending other people to be your friends. You scan and see a bunch of old friends you haven't talked to in a long time. You start sending out your own requests to people to become your friends.

You start getting excited at the prospect of reconnecting with old pals and think that Facebook isn't all that bad. How can it be? Besides, you're in control and you can quit Facebook anytime you want.

The next 2 months are whirlwind of activity as you join groups on Facebook and even find some fun and silly groups like People Who Never Have Seen Gary Busey and Nick Notle in the Same Room at the Same Time. You find that you can leave comments on your status and make remarks on people's pictures. You start using the chat feature with all your friends and also become fans of your favorite TV shows and muscicians. It's all good, right? Meanwhile, your superpoke war has escalated with Cindy and after she threw an octopus, you've raised the stakes to giving Monty Python gifts like a Spanish Inquisition. You've also started playing games on Facebook like poker and word puzzles and also started comparing which movies you like best among your friends and issue IQ contests.

Still, you can stop whenever you want to, right? It's fine, you're just on there for some fun and to waste some time. It's not like you have a problem like some other people do. Now they're the ones that go overboard.

Your friend count has ballooned as of late. After all, you are a social person and they do require friends for interactioning. You've even started to request to be friends with old acquaintances that you maybe have spoken to about 5 times in your life and which was nothing of too much importance. Friends are good, though, so you don't mind. You've also found some internet buddies from a message board that you haven't even met in real life that you befriend. You flutter around Facebook like the social butterfly that you are, feeling good that you have finally cracked the 50 friend mark. But then you start to feel jealous when you see that some friends have 200 or more. "Harrummphh!! What does he have that I don't have?!", you think to yourself as you plot your next move. Perhaps a superpoke to that person or even better you issue out event invitations to your upcoming party to all your new Facebook friends.

It's not a problem, however, I just log onto Facebook only about 25 times a day. It's okay, I can get my work done if I'm careful. I don't need to see what Jeff is doing that night or write all over Karen's wall. I am in complete control. I don't have a problem. No, not me. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! I'm fine, promise. Heehehehhehehehehe. No sweat. Hohohohhohoo!