Monday, February 2, 2009

Brian the Fuck-up

There's some quite off-putting when you get called a "fuck-up". It's even more depressing when it's coming from your father. I'm sure he meant to motivate me in some fashion but all it's really done is left me in a funk most of the week. I think he may be right that I'm fucked-up in the fact that I keep seeking approval from him or just plain acceptance for who I am. Something that I consciously try to do with my sons is to praise them often or hug them openly or not use negative reinforcement of bad behaviors. I'm sure I'm far from perfect in regards to that but I'm doing my best to break the cycle of a long line of cold German bastards who were brought up to be stern and not demonstrate any love because it would be considered a sign of weakness for a man to be any different.

It's not that my father is a complete asshole, because if he were, he'd be a lot easier to just write off. He's certainly saved my ass on more than a few occasions and I've probably been a disappointment in many ways when you consider the wasted potential I had before I became a college drop-out. But he gets in these cocky moods where he feels like he's better than anyone else and that's when he's extra annoying. I suppose I can attribute that to the bipolar genes we share but he likes to deny. I guess since he won't recognize his own possible mood disorder that he doesn't have sympathy for those who will.

I certainly don't want to use my disorder as a crutch and I always think that you need to take responsibility for your actions despite the causality. But I don't think my Dad knows just how hard it's been just achieving what I've accomplished in the last 12 years. I'm a homeowner, a good husband, a good father, and while I may not be the biggest go-getter when it comes to the family business I've certainly contributed quite a lot and I am a big reason for its success. Perhaps, I've been a bit despondent lately because my opinions tend to get ignored or put aside and my attitude towrds the business comes across as being lackluster. But, I will get a bit non-plussed when he calls me a fuck-up and I should take more initiative.

Yes, I do screw around a bit more than I should. It's obvious as I'm on Facebook doing puzzles or even here blogging at 3:30 in the afternoon. But I take pride in the fact of how efficiently I can get my work done. I guess I should be spending every possible moment in a frenzy trying to stir up business, so if that's the case, then I'm a big fuck-up. But you, Dad, are a fuck-up as well. Maybe not as a business and sales man, but as a supportive and caring person. Yet, I still love you and wish to have your undying appreciation and apporval despite the lack of it. I doubt either of us will change all that much but it's not that fucked-up to think differently and strive to be better.


Mr. Odney said...

This made me a little sad, but well put, my friend. Usually the people who talk to their loved ones that way are desperately afraid of the face they see staring them back in the mirror. In more ways than one, when you Dad looks at you, he probably sees himself.

Chris said...