The Gag reflex

One of the things that seems to kick in overdrive when I get nervous is my sense of humor. The quick witted puns, jokes, and sarcasm just seem to fly off my tongue. Appropriateness be damned and whatever hits the brain doesn't go through the standard social filter. (see previous post about that) Going to doctor is one of those situations where I feel out of control and nervous. Even routine visits cause the heart to race and get me thinking he's going to squeeze a piece of my body and then he'll loudly proclaim that I have terminal cancer. While I know logically the chances of this happening are pretty slim, I still get a bit nervous when I visit any doctor. Heck, even a podiatrist scares me more than riding a roller coaster.

As far back as I can think, I was always a card in the doctor office. I could even get my pediatrician to laugh at times. The main problem is breaking in a new doctor as often my sarcasm is taken seriously. My current doctor I have only seen a few times and after paying him a visit for a severe sore throat today he did seem a bit lost as to my nature but quickly caught on. It eventually becomes a game for me to get the doctor to laugh. The following is a paraphrased conversation of my visit today:


Me: I have a bit of a head cold that's causing my throat to really swell. It's so swollen that I am physically gagging at times.

Doc: (starts to examine my nose, ears, etc) It appears we're in for a long cold season this year, I've already seen quite a bit of colds before the school season even started.

Me: Must be good for business, anything I can to do to help spread this around more efficiently?

Doc: (gives strange look) It's important to wash your hands especially after touching door knobs and the like.

Me: I gotcha- I should go around licking door knobs. Why don't you get your assistant to give me a few addresses of your patients and I can get to work right after I leave here. Will you pay me per customer that comes in or just a flat rate for the whole job?

Doc: (starts to realize I'm joking, but still tries to stay serious) Well, it's a good plan but it would break quite a few HIPAA laws, I'm afraid.

Me: I don't blame you. I wouldn't want the hippos after me either. I hear they kill three times as many humans than lions do in a year.

Doc: (after looking at my throat) Your uvula is swollen and it's resting on the back of your tongue. As a result you keep trying to swallow it dry. It's like giving your uvula a hickey and it's what's causing you to gag.

Me: Just promise me you won't tell my wife that I've been giving hickeys to uvulas, she might take that the wrong way.

Doc: (Physically holds back a snicker and tries to stay on track) I recommend that you keep a water bottle around with you so that you can swallow water every time you need to swallow. Since your reflux could also be causing the swelling, you shouldn't eat anything 4 hours before you're lying down. I'm also going to write a script for a Robotussin with codeine, that way you can get a good night's sleep.

Me: Okay, so let me get this straight- you want me to drink alot of water and then knock myself unconscious with some codeine?

Doc: Well, yes.

Me: Shouldn't I be wearing adult diapers?

Doc: (Finally lets out a laugh) Yes, I suppose that wouldn't be a bad idea!



The adult diapers line gets 'em every time.

Unfiltered

I feel like my brain has no filter or self editing feature. I am often impulsive and say whatever comes to mind without much concern for what I'm saying. As quick witted as I can be at times, I sometimes come off as being flat out obnoxious. My manic mind speeds along too fast and I must skip the filtering process of thinking to myself- "Is this a good idea?" Most of my friends and family are aware of this and as a result I have no shock impact anymore. "That's just Brian." is a common sentiment held by my in-laws.

This opinion that is held of me, of course, allows for a certain amount of freedom. Even back in college I could reach out and grab some of my female friend's breasts and get little to no reaction or indignation. "That's just Brian." after all. Copping a free feel was among the perks of being a lovable lunatic. Even recently, I've been able to tell my in-laws to their face that they're harder to get rid of than Herpes. (in regards to how long they stay after a party or event has ended)

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure my words and actions have impact, even if it isn't shocking. However, the impact is freeing because it allows me to say things through humor that I wouldn't ordinarily be able to say with a straight face.

Needless to say it does get me into trouble. My brother-in-law isn't a big fan of mine and he's probably one of the few people I tend to step on eggshells when I'm around him. It also leads to some interesting moments....

Last week I was driving back from running some errands in town and I was driving past the adult book store on Upper State Road. I noticed a guy in his 50's get out of his car in the front parking lot. The store has it's own lot, so there really wasn't any good reason for him to be there other than to buy some porn or sex toys. Far be it of me to judge a man for this. I certainly have gotten my porn urges on as well. Heck, I think it's unhealthy to not watch porn sometimes. Even if he were to get gay, bondage, rape, scat porn I couldn't care less what gets this guy turned on and I will fight for his right to walk into a porn shop and get said filth.

Despite my firmly held beliefs, I rolled down my window and screamed, "PERVERT!!"

It was pretty funny actually, he jumped and walked faster into the store. He probably thinks I was some moralistic nut job.

He's only half right.