And then, in a twinkling, I spied on the roof
I saw him drinking bagged wine that's ninety proof.
As I aimed my shotgun, he was turning around,
Peeing down my chimney this dirtbag made no sound.
He dressed as if homeless, from his head to his toes,
And his clothes smelled like varnish and some cheap ho's.
A bundle of Toys he had, for goodness sake!
And he looked like a robber, just opening his take.
His eyes-were they glassy! his nose- was it crusty!
His cheeks had on makeup?, his chest was quite busty!
His drooly little mouth spewed breath like gasoline,
And the bulge down in his pants was quite something obscene.
He had a crack pipe he held tight in his hand,
And twenties peeked from his pocket- at least a grand.
He had a stoned face and an enormous gut,
That shook when he cackled, he seemed he was nuts!
He was a slob and pure scum, crazy addicted old elf,
And I cried when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A twitch of his eye and nothing that was said,
Soon let me know I had to blow off his head.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his drugs,
And filled his one good vein, then asked for some hugs.
This display of kindness had fooled my good plan,
While hugging me he then took my wallet and ran!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a holler,
And away they all flew while I shot at his collar.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"