Monday, January 19, 2009

Just the facts ma'am!

Facebook tends to get trendy sometimes. Back when it just started getting cold people kept sending each other "snowball" fights. I still get lots of "Lil Green plants" and other such silly things that people send each other on the site. The most recent trend was to post a note and give 25 facts about yourself that people probably didn't know. You then tag your friends who you'd think would do the same thing.

In less than a week I had 5 friends tag me in their 25 facts. I felt compelled to write something but I honestly didn't think I could come up with 25 real and interesting facts about myself. Hell, one friend had the tissue of her dead unborn twin in skin of her belly! How could I possibly compare? It was at that point I did what I needed to do-

-make shit up!

Here's a copy of my 25 "facts":

1) I have a mole on my back that resembles Abraham Lincoln's profile, complete with stove top hat. I even have a hair growing out the area of Abe's chin and beard. At first, I thought I should go to the dermatologist and get it checked for skin cancer but Lincoln was probably a top 5 president and he also freed the slaves. I couldn't have the fact that I got Abraham Lincoln biopsied weighing on my conscience.

2) Once in year, on the 8th day of the 8th month (August 8th) I participate in a ritual that I call the"Eight Meats Feast". On that day I purchase, prepare and consume 8 lbs of 8 different meats. Eating 8lbs of meat is not as hard as you'd think and finding the 7th and 8th different meat is quite the challenge as I can only choose one fish. Last year I had beef, pork, chicken, lamb, shrimp, venison, ostrich and Botswanian Monkey meat.

3) I think that VHS will make a comeback someday.

4) My wife and I once decided to start a pot farm. We had it all planned out and bought all of the equipment, storage facility and drying vats. Turns out we had purchased the wrong the seeds due to a small reading error. If anyone wants any free "Mari"golds- please let me know.

5) In 1992 I saved all of my urine in jars and still have them in storage in Columbia MD.

6) I shave my head using male pattern baldness as a guide.

7) I can fit 9 and half mice into my mouth at once without harming 9 of them.

8) I write my congresswoman at least twice a day. For some reason this has attracted the attention of the secret service.

9) We told our children that a monster lived in the basement when they were young. It was a great motivator when they misbehaved.

10) I am wanted by the law in 11 different states. I am a serial mattress tag remover.

11) In the 70's as a child, my parents were in a financial bind and gave me to the CIA for experiments with drugs and weird electronic devices. I have been fortunate that the only two side effects that I've noticed so far is a third testicle and the green glowing fungus in my armpits.

12) I have informed my wife that after my death that I would like her to take my body to a taxidermist. Have me stuffed and insert a speaker with various digital recordings of me. She would then take me to places and have me say the appropriate things.

13) I am working on inventing a new sex toy for hermaphrodites. I'm calling it the "Push N' Pull".

14) In my spare time I like to go to the train yard- and beat up hobos with a crow bar.

15) For a year I impersonated being a surgeon. The surgery itself wasn't so tough to do, it was listening to patients' screams and pleas to stop that was a chore.

16) I use my dog's skin to breed bot fly larva.

17) I have the unique ability to pass gas in 5 distinct and equally horrible odors.

18) When getting change from a cashier I always ask for 2 dollar bills back. When they tell me that they don't have any I fly into a rage and leave the store without purchasing anything.

19) By my last count, I have discovered 87 legitimate uses for Vick's Vapo-Rub.

20) I like to go into shoe stores and switch the shoes around so people will buy 2 lefts or 2 rights.

21) I sometimes scream "Thar she blows!!" at the moment of climaxing.

22) I firmly believe that inappropriate laughter is the best medicine.

23) I think there is nothing wrong with using your own poop to sculpt.

24) I like to make random phone calls and start crying that "Hank died". About one in every 153 calls I get a concerned response.

25) I not very good at lying or making things up.

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