Monday, January 5, 2009

The simple formula for creating euphemisms for masturbation

Onanism is and always has been comedy gold. There's nothing more that lends itself to embarrassment than male masturbation. The mere thought of having one's pants around their ankles while one ejaculates into a tissue is both sad and funny at the same time. The act of self pleasure is something 99% of us do and the other 1% lie about. It's no wonder that we have come up with quite a lot of colorful phrases or euphemisms for masterbation.

"Choking your chicken" "Bopping your baloney" "Waxing the tadpole" and "Polishing your knob" have all become lexicons in the slang dictionary. But how did they come into being? Even after the first hearing of these and other phrases the person knows what they are talking about. So, just what is the secret?

I think I know what it is and I think it's simpler than you think.

It's almost as simple as

(Gerund) + (noun)=masurbation

I know I just lost 30% of you with the word "Gerund", so I'll just come out and say it's a fancy word for verb ending in "-ing".

Of course there are exceptions and general recommendations that should be followed. Let's take a look at a few things-

1) The gerund should imply some sort of action is going on. Obviously certain verbs shouldn't be used as they generate a more disconcerting or unpleasant effect. For instance I wouldn't use the words "sanding" or "cutting" even though other violent gerunds work much better like "choking", "strangling", and "squeezing". While keeping in mind that the gerund needs to conjure up the image of what's happening, sometimes the best ones are the most non-sensical. Some other good gerunds that work well are "oiling", "greasing", "noodling", "walking", "basting", "hoisting" and "bronzing". Just have fun with it and remember that metaphors work well and don't always try to be so literal.

2) The noun can be almost anything. Phallic objects of course work well, as do small furry animals. Do remember to stay away from the euphemisms for female parts like "beaver", "kitty" and "tuna". The sillier the better when it comes to the noun part.

3) Do try to keep the noun somewhat tied into the gerund. Alliteration is always a good thing, being clever or using puns help even more.

Give it a try and you'll see that this is no joke. The formula works. The next time someone asks what you did over the weekend try answering them with the formula and see if they understand.

Them: What did you do last night?

You: I spent a lot of time corning my cobb.

If you see them wincing or laughing then you know I was right.


Woody said...

So what's the formula for spelling masturbation correctly?

Brian said...

this is what happens when you forget to proofread yourself

Anonymous said...

Corrected formula

(Gerund) + "my" (or "the") + (noun)=masurbation

Shucking my corn
Peeling my pansies
Weeding the garden

... wait

David said...

I was actually thinking about this recently. Only good one I came up with was "toppling the Shah," which really only works if you're a former Iranian militant now watching a lot of old pr0n as a way of dealing with your midlife crisis.