Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Help! My wife is becoming an addict!

My wife, Lynn, is not a fan of video games. I think her dislike stems largely from the fact that she isn't very good at them. I must admit that once you get past an Atari joystick, with its one button and one motion control that most controllers, with it's 6 buttons, 2 motion controllers and 2 triggers, can seem daunting to those who don't wish to keep practicing. So once she heard that the Wii is more intuitive with its motion detector from her coworkers (a bunch of 50+ women), she started to express her desire for us to get a Wii. One mention was all it took for me and I immediately starting seeking one out. (see previous blog)

When I bought the Wii I purchased 2 games to go along with it aside from the fun sports games that it comes with- Super Mario Galaxy and Wii Carnival. The Carnival game I bought because it had skee ball in it and my wife loves to play skee ball whenever we're at the shore or at an amusement park. I figure it would best to keep her happy when it came to the Wii so she wouldn't feel buyer's remorse if the bulk of games weren't up her alley. (excuse the pun)

Lynn works the graveyard shift at a local hospital as a lab tech. So if you're in the ER in the middle of the night for crashing your car while DUI, she may be the one who's testing your urine to see how drunk you are. She may also be the one who types your blood so you get the much needed replenishment from all of your bleeding from your massive head injuries, you dumb ass! (Driving drunk, what were you thinking?!) The schedule works out fine while our kids are young. She gets home at 8am, just when I need to leave for work, and puts them on the bus at 8:45am and then goes to sleep until 4pm, when they get home. No day care expenses is a wonderful thing.

The problem is that she needs to get to sleep right after the kiddies leave. It's barely 7 hours if she were to fall asleep right away but usually she needs to wind down a touch and she's happy to fall asleep at 9:30am.

The past week and a half I have been getting calls at work around 10:30am from her. The tone of her voice is the frantic type of ranting that most spouses recognize as when to shut up, listen as best as one can, and then reassure them despite what one thinks. (because if one doesn't then you can kiss sex good bye for at least a week.) I tried my best to keep up with what she was saying and I heard bits and pieces like, "...I can get the ball in the 100 point hole when I snap the remote against my shoulder.." and "..knock all of the clowns down with the ball.." and "...but, no, the damn remote won't fucking respond the way it should..." It was becoming apparent that she is getting addicted to the Carnival game.

The first few calls I figured she was just blowing off steam from a hard night's work. Now I am getting worried that if the trend continues I may fear for my and my children's safety. I can just imagine her forcibly grabbing a remote from their hands and hissing, "Mine! I'm the one who worked hard into the nights for this!! My precioussssss!!" I worry that on the nights when she's off and that she's in bed with me, that she may start wildly flailing her arms around in her sleep as if she were trying to get the damn ball into the stupid fucking 100 point hole. I may suffer a serious eye injury or worse she may impale my crotch as she's trying to bang the remote.

As a crazy person, I readily recognize crazy behavior in others. Obsessing over an activity that causes your endorphin levels to rise is something that is no stranger to me. I am a poker addict and I used to be a smoker. I wish I knew how to stop her from self-destruction, but alas, nothing really worked for me until I hit rock bottom. I guess I'll have to idly stand by and wait until she falls so that I can catch her.

I wonder which will come first- rock bottom or getting the stupid fucking ball in the Goddamned 100 point hole?

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