Thursday, April 3, 2008

Oh thank goodness!!

Well it finally appears that I've been doing something right all these years!

A survey of sex therapists has revealed that quickies are indeed the way to go. Aside from the occasional whiskey dick, my performances usually don't make it past the halfway point of a Phish performance of Run Like an Antelope. Now, if only the survey could relieve me of my other bedroom worry and my perceived...uh...shortcomings. Deep down I have a hidden desire to move to Asia so I won't have press up so damn close to the urinal in fear that I am the smallest man in the room.

Reading further down I see that length of foreplay still seems to be the prevalent problem and concern of most partners. I guess the whole idea still seems foreign to me. Usually all it takes is for me to pinch my wife's ass and I'm sportin' wood. Hell, sometimes a gentle breeze is a nice pick me up or even a Jergins lotion commercial will get the blood flowing.

I've always contended that it's a good thing that we don't mate like most mammals and have our women go into heat, although, it would be quite interesting. I could just imagine that about 10 times a year a woman would walk into a bar and start screaming "Fuck Me!!" and raise her behind into the air and "present" herself. At that point all of the alpha males would either start fighting each other or pissing all over the place to mark their territory. In either case, it would get quite messy until things get sorted out, but there would be no talk of not enough foreplay, I'll tell you that much.

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