RIP Oogley Googley

My children have just experienced their first pet death. We have had three gold fish since September and last night I noticed that the one that had bulging eyes looked white and was limp and caught in the filter. His cause of death is unknown but hey, it's a fish and I'm not doing an autopsy on the way to the toilet. My nonchalance attitude about Oogley Googley's demise was quite the opposite reaction that my children had.

The kids were brushing their teeth before bed and I informed Lynn as to the dead fish. She grabbed the net and scooped him into a container and we decided to let the kids say goodbye before flushing him away to his final watery grave.

"Jonathan and Gabriel" Lynn said as she walked into the bathroom with the corpse, "I have some bad news, Oogley Googley has died." (Try saying that with a straight face!!)

Immediately both kids started bawling and howling as if they were told I was dead or all of their Pokemon cards burned up in a freak fire. Tears streamed down their faces as they loudly lamented the news of his death. While I wasn't expecting them to be happy about the news, I was somewhat shocked about how hard they took it. Their wails were reminiscent of Muslim women at funerals in the middle east. They were bawling so loudly that it became comical to my wife and I and I even had to leave the room to laugh as Lynn hugged them close so she could smile without them seeing. I know that sounds insensitive but the complete overreaction was a sight to behold. It was just a fish after all.

Nevertheless, we consoled them as best as we could as toothpaste dribbled out of their crying mouths. Jonathan informed us that he may want to stay home the next day so he could grieve. I would've thought it was good angle shoot but his concern was genuine so I didn't answer him right away. They seemed fine this morning and they went to camp seemingly unaffected.

They expressed their wishes that if we were to get another fish that we would honor him and name him Oogley Googley II. Death hits us all differently. In some ways having fish is a good growth tool as children can learn about mortality without having true tragedy.

So, thanks for brightening our lives a little bit Oogley Googley, it was nice knowin' ya!

Oogley Googley
2007-2008
RIP

Attack of the PG-13 superhero movies

My son Jonathan loves superheroes just as much as the next 9 year old boy. I was a big comic book nerd myself (and still am) back in the day. This summer we have the pleasure of having 4 superhero movies. 3 of which are direct from the comics- Iron Man, Batman (The Dark Knight), and The Incredible Hulk. (the Will Smith acted Hancock being the original material) He has been relentlessly bugging me that he wants to see these films.

Sadly for Jonathan all 4 movies are rated PG-13. Which basically means that I have to watch all 4 movies before I allow him to see it- just to be on the "good parenting" side of things. I'm fairly sure he'll be fine (altho, his 7 year old brother may not be) with the cartoonish violence and sexual innuendos. After all, he's still a well adjusted kid after seeing all 3 Spiderman movies and the Transformers. Movies that had impalings, all around scary moments, kissy-poos and masterbatory jokes. I'm also fairly sure that he knows more than he lets on. Even still, I sense that the birds and bees talk is right around the corner.

Looking back, I recall seeing R rated movies while I was under 13. My friend Adam was the rich kid who had a Beta-max (lol) before most of us even knew of VCR's and we got to see movies like Animal House, Airplane and Caddyshack on video tape. I may be a sick twist, but I doubt my mental illness is derived from being exposed to breasteses at an early age. Heck, my dad even had a subscription to Playboy and I got to sneak in his room and got many a gander at the Full Mindy. Later, as I turned 13, my family splurged to get cable and the PRiSM premium channel. I eventually discovered the wonderful world of soft-core porn that was readily available at 2AM. Thus I know know that If I'm not careful with Jonathan's internet activities he will eventually be exposed to free online porn with animals, foot fetishes and bukakke parties.

Unfortunately for me, I really don't have the time to get to see the movies in the theater anymore and I was a BIG movie goer before rearing children. I'm sure as both kids get into their tweens and up, I'll be able to expand my movie viewing pleasure and be able to go out to the theater more since they will be able to go with me. I believe the first R rated movie I saw with my Dad at the theater was Revenge of the Nerds. I think I may have even glanced over to see if he laughed at the "hair pie" joke for his approval. I felt more "adult" that day for having been viewed as someone who can be mature enough to handle frat party immaturity.

Accessible art

This week we received a note from Jonathan's art teacher that his art work will be on display at the North Penn high school for 2 nights in their gym. While this sounds like another brag about my son (and I do like bragging about his wonderful talent), it really is about something else entirely.

The art show was for the entire North Penn school district, from Kindergarten to the 12th grade. I was astounded as to the number of pieces of art that was on display. I know that North Penn is a huge school district but the amount of work that was on display from just high school students filled 4 long hallways filled with kiosks. Upon closer inspection I noticed that alot of the art work was digital photography and manipulation of photos.

Most of us have a certain level of creativity and we can imagine designs, pictures and ideas rather easily. Unfortunately, the problem we run into is that most of us can't draw worth a lick to express what ideas we have onto paper. So unless you can draw, sculpt or paint you are shit out of luck when it comes to creating art. (I'm excluding things like acting and writing as "art") Even with training and instruction the ability to create art is mostly innate. While artists will benefit from art schools and courses, unless you have that natural flair that someone like my son, Jonathan has to begin with, it usually won't improve your ability enough to make people notice or have the quality be acceptable to yourself. Most of us don't have that access to create our own art.

It's a shame really. While art is accessible in the sense that anyone can try it and do whatever they want without "rules", it isn't accessible enough that anyone can do what they want and translate what's in their head to the paper, canvas or clay. But after attending last night's show I'm starting to think that has changed.

Aside from clever internet pictures where you put your head on muscled body or make a cat say some funny things, photo-shopping and digital photo manipulation is making the creation of art more accessible to a new generation. You don't even have to have the ability to make a perfect circle because the computer will do it for you. Plus you can even do things that may not have even been possible to do with a traditional art medium. There were some really clever, scary, disturbing, moving and inspiring things that I saw some 14-18 year olds doing with their digital photos. While it may never gain true acceptance into the art world, it does allow us regular schmoes to express ourselves in areas that we couldn't do before.

With accessible art and tons of free internet porn for the next generation I don't feel so bad any more about global warming, peak oil production and depleted social security.

Time to brag about my son

My oldest son Jonathan is 9 1/2 years old. He's always drawing his favorite cartoon characters and Pokemons and dinosaurs. He's actually very good for his age. He's been good ever since he could draw. If you ask me, he draws better than most adults. Yesterday, I saw him drawing and he was copying a picture of a Dalmatian puppy he had in a book. (copying from freehand, not tracing the picture) After he was done the picture, he drew his own background and gave the dog toys, food and even a fun portrait was hung on the wall. He did this picture in less than 10 minutes.

Needless to say, I'm beaming with pride as his talent seems to be getting more refined and mature. I may have to find a way to sqeeze in art lessons between his swimming, karate and piano lessons.

Secret little moments of emotional wussiness

Last night I'm sitting my easy chair and I'm watching my wife and 2 kids interact with each other. I don't even really know what they were talking about but they were laughing and smiling at each other and my 6 year old son, Gabriel seem animated and hamming it up while the 9 year old, Jonathan tried in vain to get him to stop. Meanwhile my wife Lynn was doing her best to be attentive to both kids.

Then I started to get a lump in my throat and my eyes welled up a bit (not even from the pink eye) as I thought about how much I cared for all 3 of them. As soon as the moment hit me I regained my composure. I am a man after all. I can't show stupid little moments of emotional wussiness like that.

As a preteen, I was always an emotional wreck, I cried quite a lot and would dangle my Phillie Phanatic out the window with my Mork from Ork suspenders. I would imagine how sorry they'd all be if I was the one who went out the window. Eventually, I learned to control my sadness and crying fits. I clamped down so hard that I never cried again until the week before my mother died. (and I didn't cry at the funeral) I've maybe teared up a few times since, but never let the tears come streaming down my cheeks and had an outright bawling session. It's become a natural reflex for me to stop the tears if the urge to cry ever starts.

I suppose it's emotionally unhealthy to do this. I also suppose that I come off as being cold to the people around me. But, I do have those moments of emotional wussiness and as I age and as my family grows and I become ever more fond of them with each passing day I find these moments coming to bear more and more often. Sooner or later, I will be found out and outed as a fraud. I will savor the time when it does.

It's Springtime in January!

As the icecaps melt and global warming seems to be heating up, we're experiencing some pretty damn nice weather in January! Now, I know it's not worth letting Manhattan turn into Venice but hey, if corporate America, overpopulation and the industrial revolution give you lemons, you make lemonade.

I recall the last time we had a warm January day like this was almost exactly 10 years ago when my then fiance Lynn and I took a skiing trip to the Poconos with another couple. Of course, since it was so warm the slopes were closed. Even tho it was warm enough and no snow was on the ground, the summer attractions were closed as well. So that left us with not much to do except stay in the cabin playing cards and drinking (alot) and well... let's just say that Jonathan was a direct result of our boredom and drinking. Rememeber kids, withdraw is NOT an effective method of birth control!

"Daddy, the girl from Zoey 101 is pregnant."

My 9 year old son, Jonathan, thought he was informing me of some news that I hadn't yet heard. I do know that Jamie Lynn Spears has a bun in the oven at age 16, it's hard not to know considering she's Britney's younger sister. But I was somewhat taken aback that my son knew this gossipy and scandalous tidbit. He likes the High School Musical shows and some of the other live action shows that are aimed directly at the "tweener" crowd, but I don't recall him watching the Zoey 101 show. So I'm assuming that the news has spread like wildfire in the halls of his elementary school.

The scary follow-up questions that could have come from my 9 year old did not and I dodged the bullet for now. Not that I want to avoid answering questions about sex, serious answers about teen pregnancy is just a facet that I'm not sure that my son can grasp at this age. I suppose I would have given a true but dumbed down version if he had.

Given the akwardness of the moment I experienced I suppose I can start to understand the outrage that some people feel about the announcement. However, there aren't many of us who can claim that we never made a mistake at that age or didn't narrowly escape one as a teen ourselves. The teen-aged brain is designed to take risks and having unprotected sex at age 16 is a walk in the park. Heck, even Jonathan himself is a result of not pulling out in time, and I was 27 and should have known better.

So while I may scoff at the Spears family for being bat-shit nutso and trailer trash, I can't judge Jamie Lynn for getting knocked up as I know I sweated the arrival of my then 16 year old girlfriend's period a few times myself.

Rating the kid's shows part II, Ben 10

Ben 10 is a cartoon that airs on Nickelodeon regularly. It is centered on ten year old boy, Ben Tennyson (almost as bad as The Riddler's real name being E. Nigma), his grandfather and cousin. Ben apparently has this supercool watch-like device on his wrist that allows him to be temporarily changed into various alien monsters. He, of course, with his grandfather's approval, uses these alien monster powers for good.

This is my son Jonathan's current favorite show to watch, which is why I'm reviewing it first. I certainly can see the appeal for a 9 year old boy. A kid his own age gets to change into alien monsters with nifty powers like blasts of heat, diamond projectiles, awesome brain power and super farts. My son even has a copy of the watch like device called an omni-matrix that he pretends to do the same as what he sees on the show.

The show itself, while full of cliches, isn't terrible for a kids action show. The violence content is much more milder than you'd think and Ben tends to use problem solving more often than say the Power Rangers do. There are some silly moments that kids find funny that we adults may find juvenile, but it doesn't dwell on the gross or rude like many kid shows. I personally couldn't sit through more than one half hour show without reaching boredom, so this show doesn't hit that magical fun for the whole family status that so much entertainment tries to be but rarely is.

But, nonetheless, it is what it is and for a kids action show aimed at 7-12 year old boys it does a good job. While some good "themes" and "educational values" exist in Ben 10, it isn't exclusively designed to be that way. It's a decent spin on your standard superhero fare.

I'll give Ben 10 a 7 out of 10.

Rating the kid's shows part I, Introduction

I try to be a good parent. Not only do I try to limit the amount of screen time (TV, computer & video games) my 6 and 9 year old boys have, but I also occasionally watch the insipid dreck that they love so much to make sure it's age appropriate or not too violent. So, in the next few months I will be writing reviews of the shows my sons watch.

Admittedly, when I go back and re-watch the programming that I loved as a child I realize that I must have been an idiot. Do it yourself and you'll see what I'm talking about. You'll have to forgo the initial nostalgic feelings and watch with a critical eye. The Dukes of Hazzard is a show about hillbilly red-necks that think teasing local law enforcement is righteous. The Banana Splits were 4 women in horrible Disney World-like costumes that fell down alot and played inferior cartoons. After the first 5 initial episodes of Scooby Doo, originality was thrown out the window and the formula to this day has been used ad nauseum. For that matter, Hanna/Barbera was an industry that thrived on copying itself over and over. There were at least 2 Scooby Doo rip offs, including Clue Club. Jabber Jaw even went into outer space and it resembled Josie and the Pussy Cats.

I will forgive my past self as I did watch some quality programming in there somewhere. The Muppets were always a blast and good fun. School House Rock shorts may have been cheaply animated but the songs were catchy and educational and to this day I still know the preamble to the constitution as a result of the song. Despite the violence, Looney Tunes reruns are still top quality animation and some of the funniest stuff ever put on film. Chuck Jones and Jim Henson are 2 big childhood heroes of mine.

So as I watch my son's programs and critique them I will try to keep an open mind and hopefully remember what it was like to get riled up when Bruce Banner was getting angry and hulked up. I know most of what my kids watch is truly terrible, but as long as it isn't too rude, obnoxious or violent then I'll let them make their own choices and hope that as they get older, their tastes will be a bit more refined.

The Tooth Fairy has a thankless job.

You'd think I'd be an old pro by now. Between my 2 kids I have successfully collected about 9 teeth and replaced them with coinage. But, alas, it ain't easy being the Tooth Fairy.

Last night my son Gabriel had stuck his tooth under his pillow and awaited the Tooth Fairy. He informed me earlier that he was going to wait up late, so he could see the Fairy. Just great- it's bad enough that I feel tired at 9pm these days. I've turned into such a lame ass in my 30's. Gone are the days of staying up late and waking up at noon. It's a good thing 6 year olds get tired easily when there's no TV stimulus and he did fall asleep early enough. Problem was, that I had forgotten and was just about to fall asleep myself. Just as I was drifting off to sleep I remembered that I had to be a Fairy. (insert joke here) So, I stumbled down the steps in the dark and fetched quarters from the change bucket.

Santa has it easy- the kids go up in their rooms and eventually fall asleep, so it's not so difficult being quiet enough to place some presents under the tree. Sure, it can be a little challenging if you've had a few glasses of wine, but nonetheless, it's easy as pie and the payoff is glorious. Santa's name is exalted in the halls of schools, playgrounds and homes of many children. In contrast, the Tooth Fairy has to sneak into the bedroom (which my kids share, so I have double the chance of waking one), reach under a sleeping child's head, root around for a small tooth that's the size of a unpopped kernel of popcorn, and then replace it with a jangling, noisy sack of quarters. It gets your heart racing to say the least. I haven't been so nervous about getting caught since I had semi-public sex with my future wife outside and around the side of her parent's house one night before we lived in our own apartment. So, not only is the act of fooling your kids into believing in a magical tooth collecting elf a hard thing to do the gratitude isn't really all that much either. Gabe had a brief moment of excitement, he then placed his 2 bucks of coins in his piggy bank and proceeded to ask what was for breakfast.

Aside from almost forgetting to do my Fairy duties, last night wasn't so bad and things went smoothly. A year ago, my older son, Jonathan, had his hand under his pillow clutching the tooth. I was amazed that I didn't wake him up prying his incisor out of his closed fist. Jump ahead to last week-Gabe informed Jonathan of his loose tooth and they started to talk about the Tooth Fairy- Jonathan informed him that "sometimes the Tooth Fairy is disguised as someone you love."

Guess I wasn't as furtive as I had previously thought. Thank goodness for self-denial!