Friday, October 17, 2008

Billy goes to Newtown Brewfest

As banal and unfunny the Family Circus comic strip was (and still is), as a child I always did enjoy the ones where there was a map of the neighborhood and you could follow the dotted line to see where Billy went that day and what he did. Tomorrow my wife and I got the in-laws to babysit and we are joining my friend, Nicole and her husband Rob at the Newtown Brewfest. There we will get a tasting glass and get to sample beers from 80 different breweries and microbreweries. So, in honor of Bil Keane and his comic strip maps, here is what I think might happen tomorrow (click map for larger view):

1) Excited and fresh- Brian and Lynn park their 2003 Taurus in the lot and gleefully walk towards the first set of breweries' stands, they meet Nicole and Rob and check in to get their glass.

2) With his 2oz. tasting glass, Brian stops at every booth in the first row sampling each wonderful microbrew. He takes his time and enjoys each sip and every subtle nuance of the beers. By the time he gets to the end of the first row, he feels pressure in his bladder and heads for the port-a-potties.

3) Brian's first visit to the port-a-potties goes off without a hitch and he feels much relieved.

4) With an empty bladder Brian is starting to feel good, real good. Life is wonderful and there is another row of breweries to taste. As he samples more beer he tends to get a bit randy and smacks Lynn's butt a few times as they visit more breweries. The time spent at each stand gets shorter and shorter as Brian just sticks his glass out, chugs it and moves on to the next stand.

5) Feeling hungry Brian makes his way towards the food stands and notices a band playing some music. They mostly suck, but Brian grabs Lynn's unwilling hand starts to spin around and dance. When Lynn manages to get away, Brian grabs Nicole and flings her around swing style despite it being a slow song. Eventually Brian gets tired and heads toward the food stands.

6) After eating and making obvious and inappropriate jokes about sausages, Brian's buzz starts to wear off a bit and he starts to feel nauseous and is getting a headache. He heads towards the port-a-potties in the hopes that less bladder pressure will relieve him.

7) At the port-a-potties, Brian can't stomach the sausages anymore and power pukes just barely after he manages to get inside one.

8) With an empty stomach, Brian feels renewed and starts to sample more beers. After trying the Sly Fox beers, his walk is starting to show a pronounced swagger. Sensing that he is near the end of the line he makes a mad rush of trying every beer that he can; often he sneaks a second tasting.

9) Having tried almost every brew at the fest, Brian is now shit-faced drunk. He still has small chunks of puked up sausage on his shirt and is singing silly songs and changes the lyrics to his liking and amusement. He eventually gets into a fight with his embarassed wife, Lynn and wanders away by himself. He spies the building in front of him and sees the fire escape on the side of the wall. A very terrible idea jumps to the front of his thought processeses as he stumbles his way towards the building.

10) He manages to climb up the fire escape and gets on top of the building. He is on the roof shouting, "I am the lishard king!! And I can do whatever things I wansh!!" A crowd draws near as he dancing along the roof top. Suddenly Brian sees security and makes a dash for the edge of the roof.

11) Seeing a dumpster filled with cardboard below Brian jumps off and lands below. He sprains his ankle badly and is nabbed by the waiting police officers below. He is hog tied by handcuffs and dragged to the waiting police car.

12) Carted away by the Newtown police, Brian is singing in the back of the car. He thinks of how he can't wait til next year and what new adventures can be found at the 2009 Newtown Brewfest.


jeff cothren said...

Hilarious. I take it your plan is drawn from many years of practice and experience.
What about the line to the police station where Lynn has to decide whether to bail you out or let you sleep it off?

Brian said...

I think she'd rather wait in the courthouse line to file divorce papers...

guatemama said...

Oooooooooh.....we're in for a wild ride tomorrow :)

By the way - there is no limit to how many tastings you can have of a particular beer, you just have to keep waiting in line.

There is that mad dash feeling at last call, though :)Nicole

Lynn said...

Like I would wait for him. I would just go home and leave him to spend the night in jail.....possibly three!