The Gag reflex

One of the things that seems to kick in overdrive when I get nervous is my sense of humor. The quick witted puns, jokes, and sarcasm just seem to fly off my tongue. Appropriateness be damned and whatever hits the brain doesn't go through the standard social filter. (see previous post about that) Going to doctor is one of those situations where I feel out of control and nervous. Even routine visits cause the heart to race and get me thinking he's going to squeeze a piece of my body and then he'll loudly proclaim that I have terminal cancer. While I know logically the chances of this happening are pretty slim, I still get a bit nervous when I visit any doctor. Heck, even a podiatrist scares me more than riding a roller coaster.

As far back as I can think, I was always a card in the doctor office. I could even get my pediatrician to laugh at times. The main problem is breaking in a new doctor as often my sarcasm is taken seriously. My current doctor I have only seen a few times and after paying him a visit for a severe sore throat today he did seem a bit lost as to my nature but quickly caught on. It eventually becomes a game for me to get the doctor to laugh. The following is a paraphrased conversation of my visit today:


Me: I have a bit of a head cold that's causing my throat to really swell. It's so swollen that I am physically gagging at times.

Doc: (starts to examine my nose, ears, etc) It appears we're in for a long cold season this year, I've already seen quite a bit of colds before the school season even started.

Me: Must be good for business, anything I can to do to help spread this around more efficiently?

Doc: (gives strange look) It's important to wash your hands especially after touching door knobs and the like.

Me: I gotcha- I should go around licking door knobs. Why don't you get your assistant to give me a few addresses of your patients and I can get to work right after I leave here. Will you pay me per customer that comes in or just a flat rate for the whole job?

Doc: (starts to realize I'm joking, but still tries to stay serious) Well, it's a good plan but it would break quite a few HIPAA laws, I'm afraid.

Me: I don't blame you. I wouldn't want the hippos after me either. I hear they kill three times as many humans than lions do in a year.

Doc: (after looking at my throat) Your uvula is swollen and it's resting on the back of your tongue. As a result you keep trying to swallow it dry. It's like giving your uvula a hickey and it's what's causing you to gag.

Me: Just promise me you won't tell my wife that I've been giving hickeys to uvulas, she might take that the wrong way.

Doc: (Physically holds back a snicker and tries to stay on track) I recommend that you keep a water bottle around with you so that you can swallow water every time you need to swallow. Since your reflux could also be causing the swelling, you shouldn't eat anything 4 hours before you're lying down. I'm also going to write a script for a Robotussin with codeine, that way you can get a good night's sleep.

Me: Okay, so let me get this straight- you want me to drink alot of water and then knock myself unconscious with some codeine?

Doc: Well, yes.

Me: Shouldn't I be wearing adult diapers?

Doc: (Finally lets out a laugh) Yes, I suppose that wouldn't be a bad idea!



The adult diapers line gets 'em every time.