I must admit that I thought I was really good at hiding my emotions. Being bi-polar my rational mind is constantly fighting with my emotionally crazy mind and over the years I've done a good job of putting on a front when I need to. My inner voice is either screaming or feeling agitated or saddened and I'll don't often express what I'm feeling to anyone. Lately, however, I seem to be either slipping or realizing that I've never been as adept as I thought I was.
Rereading some emails to friends I can see myself making either "snippy" comments or inappropriate statements. It's a sure sign of up and down swings. I wonder if my actual behavior is just as obvious. Perhaps, it's not as obvious to those around me as it is to me?
Lately, my downswing is an "agitated" downswing. It's hard to describe, but if mania is a speeded up and racing thought process, an agitated downswing is almost the same but gone south, so to speak. Most manic episodes feel good. You enter into a state of euphoria- your ego is inflated, you're feeling sharp and witty, and it may sound fun but you start getting jumbled and disconnected or start saying the wrong things, buying things you can't afford, taking risks, and losing sleep. My agitated state is the same racy roller coast ride but I want to get off and I can't so it becomes terrifying. I start to get angry or frustrated easily and I'm almost jittery. It's not a good form of depression. I don't necessarily feel "down" but I'm definitely upset and wired up in a bad way. I usually end up secluding myself until I slow down and the normal type of depression usually follows soon after.
Agitated states are the hardest to hide and maybe that's why I'm noticing my mask slipping off. But, it's most likely I don't have as much control as I'd like to think I have.