I'm the Son of Sam of the goldfish world

I either have no clue as to the correct care of goldfish or experience the worst luck in goldfish health conditions. This past Saturday my wife went to go change the water and clean the tank and she found poor Whitey was floating at the top. His lifeless body caught in the filter.

R.I.P.
Whitey
2008-2008

That's now 4 fish in approximately 3 months. I am at a higher ratio than 1 fish per month. While that's no shakes to people who live in Japan or to those rough and tumble fellows you see on Deadliest Catch, I get the feeling that goldfish feel as if I am the angel of death. I fear the next time I go to the pet store to pick out a replacement that the fish will all cower in the back and low corner of the tank or perhaps behind the shipwreck or the bubbly diver head.

If the Fish Police ever come to arrest me then I will claim insanity and tell them that my dog is Satan and told me to do it. One look at Brutus and you'll know instantly that his gaze hypnotizes you into anything he wants you to do. I often feel myself losing control as he looks at you with puppy dog eyes. It's no wonder that I may be killing fish and doing his bidding.

Brutus can't stand sharing his attention with other pets. If you ever want to call Brutus all you have to do is start petting our other dog, Sammy and he comes running. He'll jump in bewteen you and poor Sam so that he gets all the lovin'. So, I admit, it's possible that Brutus has somehow pulled a Manchurian Candidate on me and I've been killing the goldfish with my lack of knowledge and consent.

You try looking into those eyes...and feel your eyelids getting heavy...heavier...you are getting sleepy...sleepy...

Rainy days and Tuesdays

Like the sunlight, the weather also seems to affect to my moods. A gloomy, rainy day like today always seems to give me the blues and make me feel melancholy. If I didn't have work responsibilities it wouldn't be that horrible. I'd just stay at home and listen to jazzy music or sad schmaltzy songs. Maybe I'd drink some red wine and heat up some soup with toasty bread. Small depressions can actually be somewhat relaxing as you aren't so high strung. It's when you start to revel in your own sorrow that it becomes bad.

The upcoming fall weather will create this sort of atmosphere for me almost on a daily basis. The trick is to be careful for when the bleak winter has made its way into my moods. Nice patio fires and cool breezes are welcome as it winds me down from an always intense and manic summer. In some ways I wish we could just skip winter altogether and have fall to spring to summer to fall again. I suppose that's what it's like living in the mid-Atlantic states. I'd move there if it weren't for all the right wing republicans and annoying country music and accents.

The fall, of course, also provides more sleep for me. Aside from the summer humidity causing my underwear to stick to my hind quarters, the cool breezes of fall and shorter days allow me to have longer and more restful sleep. It's what my wife and I call, "sleepin' weather". The ability to cuddle up in your blanket or with each other makes you feel more cozy and sleepy. It's a shame my wife works nights or else I'd pop in a dvd tonight after the kids go to bed and get all nuzzled with her on the couch.

The dampening of my thoughts is a good thing I guess, if I can just get past the blues. In some ways this blog has been therapeutic as I can talk about such things. Expressing my feelings is one way to have a release. Even if I'm not talking to anyone in particular but empty cyberspace, it helps me organize my thoughts enough to be in touch with what's happening to me. That's half the battle, really.

When nerds collide

In two days, on September 10th, you will hear the collective sound of physicists and nerds around the world fapping away to the gentle hum of the large hadron collider being fired up. If you are an old guy over 35 and thus watch the Discovery and Science channels then you are probably aware of this monstrous machine and its implications. To sum up for the young, ignorant or apathetic, the large hadron collider (LHC) is a huge machine that is 17 miles in circumfrence and has lots and lots of magnets. It is designed to accelerate particles at sub light speeds and eventually into each other. The resulting collision is what gets the physics geeks all agog with glee and hard nipples.

Supposedly this mini-big bang will create what is called a Higgs boson. Once we can observe and study the Higgs boson we can then figure out all sorts of questions we've had since Newton got plunked on the head with an apple. Such questions include:

-How do atomic particles aquire mass?
-Why is gravity a weak force?
-Is there a grand unifying theory?
-Are there extra dimensions and can we see them?
-What is the deal with dark matter and energy?
-What does Britney see in Adnan Ghalib anyways?

Personally, I think that all they had to do was come and see me and I'd answer those questions without having to spend so much money:

-Bad carbohydrates like sugars and white flour.
-Trick question- gravity isn't a weak force. After all, ask the sky diver whose parachute didn't open just how weak it is.
-Yes, Barack Obama told me so at the Democratic convention.
-My parents had a friend who saw The 5th Dimension in concert, but he may have been on acid, so who's to say if he's right?
-Love will always overcome the dark side. (see Return of the Jedi)
-It's possible that Adnan has some sort of blackmail over her, I've even heard speculation that he has a sex tape that he's threatened her with.

What truly amazes me is that somehow people were convinced to spend well over 6 billion Euros on this project. To put that in perspective- In today's economy, one Euro is worth about a million dollars. Now, I'm not good at math but I think that makes this one helluva an expensive project! If the physicists want a collision that badly, I'd be perfectly willing to take half that money and drive my car into a wall. I'd even do it naked. Even if they don't want me naked, I'll still get naked because I care that much about science, dammit!

The biggest problem isn't if this big and expensive LHC goes kaput but if it does indeed work and then answers all of our questions. After all, once we have figured out the universe, what else is there left to do? Go home and call it a day? Go up to the Pope and scream, "I told you so!" as you do a little victory dance? Sell the secret of the universe to neighboring galaxies for oil? Go back and correct all the physics mistakes in Star Trek and release them all in a special Blue Ray DVD box set?

Alas, I do have a sinking feeling that just like the TV show Lost, once we have one our big questions answered that we'll be presented with 5 more new ones. I just hope it's not as stupid and there isn't a big frozen donkey wheel involved in all of this.

The weekend of last hope

The Phillies went into this week only a game out of first with the Mets playing the strong Brewers and the Phils playing the hapless Nats. It didn't quite go as planned as the Phils went 1-2 and the Mets went 3-0. Making it a 3 game lead for the Mets. The last shining ray of hope is that we get play them for 3 games this weekend.

Mano e mano (Nine-o e Nine-o?)

If we can manage a sweep or even pick up a game by winning 2 of 3 then I'll send in my playoff invoice this coming week. If they lose the first 2, well, then at least it's football season! The Iggles play the Rams in the home opener. Quite frankly, I just don't know what to expect. I hear that they could be good this year, but you hear that every year and while they do contend almost every year, I'd really like to see a real strong team that makes the Superbowl.

Dammit- is that too much to ask- a friggin' championship?

It's been too goddamned long and I'm sick of it. I couldn't give a rat's ass that the stupid Soul won a title. I want a Superbowl ring or a World Series ring and I want it this year.

In the words of the esteemed Tim Gunn, "Make it work!"

The age of remembrance

I have solid memories dating back to the 2nd grade. If I try to remember beyond 1977, I can only remember a few scant details. I remember the yellow budded bush behind my house, I can recall some details of my room in Philadelphia and barely picture some of the friends I had at the time. (I moved the next year, so it's not that I remember them from later years) I can recall that my first grade teacher really admired Farrah Fawcett and had a poster of her pinned up on the wall. (and she was a woman!) Beyond those weird details I can't remember much else at all. Basically, your own sense of self and consciousness seems to have fully developed by age 7. Anything that happens before age 7 is merely a subconscious influence and not something you can directly call upon for decision making or recollection.

Since both my kids are now 7 and almost 10, I guess I should watch my influential behaviors a bit more. Anything negative that I do from this point is stuff that they can throw back in my face when they become adults. At least all of the bad parenting I have done in the past is something I can claim as being false memories of theirs. The stoic and cold reactions of my father have definitely made their impact on me. I'd like to think that the sensitive nature of my mother has also influences my current nature as well.

As parents, I think we all secretly desire our children to be just like us. In many ways, it's why teens and parents fight so much. The teenager desires their own identity and starts to dislike certain personality traits in their parents because they don't like it in themselves. (and vice-a-versa) I know when my father started to fool around behind my mother's back I was really bothered since I had looked up to him so much and emulated him. I wondered if I was doomed to eventually have the same "bad gene". (it's also quite disconcerting to discover your parents are human and make mistakes- but that's another blog)

I know my sons definitely look to me for reactions in certain situations. I fear that I may be breeding sarcastic and cynical people. I suppose that's not the worst thing as it does teach them to question things and not accept things blindly. But there's something to be said for giving a little and pretending to be happy to make others happy. Thank goodness they have their mother. She may also be a bit sardonnic at times but she is a bigger personality than she realizes. Her strength will teach my children that women are their equals and not to be objectified like the Farrah Fawcett poster.

I see myself in both my sons. It's a good thing I hope. I can only lead by example as best as I can. I like to think I do some things better than my parents and I can only hope that they do the same. I hope they can look back with fondness and I can only wonder what bits of info they'll remember.

The Gag reflex

One of the things that seems to kick in overdrive when I get nervous is my sense of humor. The quick witted puns, jokes, and sarcasm just seem to fly off my tongue. Appropriateness be damned and whatever hits the brain doesn't go through the standard social filter. (see previous post about that) Going to doctor is one of those situations where I feel out of control and nervous. Even routine visits cause the heart to race and get me thinking he's going to squeeze a piece of my body and then he'll loudly proclaim that I have terminal cancer. While I know logically the chances of this happening are pretty slim, I still get a bit nervous when I visit any doctor. Heck, even a podiatrist scares me more than riding a roller coaster.

As far back as I can think, I was always a card in the doctor office. I could even get my pediatrician to laugh at times. The main problem is breaking in a new doctor as often my sarcasm is taken seriously. My current doctor I have only seen a few times and after paying him a visit for a severe sore throat today he did seem a bit lost as to my nature but quickly caught on. It eventually becomes a game for me to get the doctor to laugh. The following is a paraphrased conversation of my visit today:


Me: I have a bit of a head cold that's causing my throat to really swell. It's so swollen that I am physically gagging at times.

Doc: (starts to examine my nose, ears, etc) It appears we're in for a long cold season this year, I've already seen quite a bit of colds before the school season even started.

Me: Must be good for business, anything I can to do to help spread this around more efficiently?

Doc: (gives strange look) It's important to wash your hands especially after touching door knobs and the like.

Me: I gotcha- I should go around licking door knobs. Why don't you get your assistant to give me a few addresses of your patients and I can get to work right after I leave here. Will you pay me per customer that comes in or just a flat rate for the whole job?

Doc: (starts to realize I'm joking, but still tries to stay serious) Well, it's a good plan but it would break quite a few HIPAA laws, I'm afraid.

Me: I don't blame you. I wouldn't want the hippos after me either. I hear they kill three times as many humans than lions do in a year.

Doc: (after looking at my throat) Your uvula is swollen and it's resting on the back of your tongue. As a result you keep trying to swallow it dry. It's like giving your uvula a hickey and it's what's causing you to gag.

Me: Just promise me you won't tell my wife that I've been giving hickeys to uvulas, she might take that the wrong way.

Doc: (Physically holds back a snicker and tries to stay on track) I recommend that you keep a water bottle around with you so that you can swallow water every time you need to swallow. Since your reflux could also be causing the swelling, you shouldn't eat anything 4 hours before you're lying down. I'm also going to write a script for a Robotussin with codeine, that way you can get a good night's sleep.

Me: Okay, so let me get this straight- you want me to drink alot of water and then knock myself unconscious with some codeine?

Doc: Well, yes.

Me: Shouldn't I be wearing adult diapers?

Doc: (Finally lets out a laugh) Yes, I suppose that wouldn't be a bad idea!



The adult diapers line gets 'em every time.

School fools

It was an exciting day of school activity for the Klaus family, present company excluded. Aside from the kids starting up school again today, my wife was also at school observing a class. Lynn decided a few months ago to go back to school and become a high school science teacher. She's now working at night, sleeping during the day and doing online school during the evenings and whenever else she gets a free moment. I've done my best to help around the house with what I can and also avoid her when she becomes a stark, raving, mad, stressed-out lunatic. Since the online class is in Arizona she was put in the unfortunate predicament of having to schedule an observance and report on a class by this Wednesday. School in the west and south tend to start earlier than Labor day so it was extremely difficult for Lynn to be able to schedule an observance considering that the local schools haven't started until today. Nonetheless, she persevered and managed to convince our son's teacher from last year to let her come and watch today (we still had her email- hooray modern technology and the inter-webs!!). Thus, all three of my loved ones went to the same elementary school for some education.

Despite the end of summer vacation, I do recall getting excited over going back to school. You do get to see your friends that you haven't seen all summer again, you have a new wardrobe to sport and it's a brand new startwith new teachers so you're committed to putting your nose to the grindstone and getting great grades. The last sentiment lasts all about a week, but still it's fun to dream.

Looking back (do I do much else on this blog?) on my school years I had some rough patches but overall enjoyed my experiences. Elementary school was easy and fun. Intermediate school, like for most, was hellish and awful- a kill or be killed world. (and I was killed most of the time- chubby, nerdy and smart kids don't do so well on the social ladder) High school was where I really blossomed. I lost alot of weight- I was able to snag a few dates until I eventually went steady. Plus, I had alot of friends. It didn't seem like much at the time, but in hindsight I did have a much bigger number than I realized. That is, if my facebook account is to be believed. I was part of a few clubs like Boy Scouts, drama and marching band and I even was part of a 6 man comedy team that performed sketches live on stage (twice!!). As a result, I also had a sense of accomplishment and feeling wanted. College had its share of ups and downs. Especially lots of downs towards the end with my mood disorder in full swing (forgive the pun). Despite my failures, I would do it all over again for the experiences it provided me.

Now I get to watch my sons go through the same thing. Hopefully I can impart some wisdom that they'll actually follow. But I doubt that as I generally ignored my parents and blew them off as not being able to understand me and what I was going through (how wrong I was). The arrogance of youth is something to be marveled at. The ability to charge into a room at full speed without experience is a beautiful thing to watch. The lack of good common sense is what enables the young to learn after all. The best lessons are often not what your parents and teacher can give you but what is experienced by yourself.

Does a bear wipe in the woods?

I suppose as Americans we have our puritan roots and the shame that goes along with it. It isn't polite to discuss natural bodily functions. Of course, that leaves Madison Avenue and the ad men a problem. How can they peddle their hygienic products without even having to show or perhaps mention the dentures, piss, poop, herpes sores, anal fissures and menstrual fluids?

The first big idea was to give the products fancy names. The higher level of vocabulary that is used, the more clinical the products feel and thus the more detached we are from our own disgusting body waste and odorous expulsions. Instead of "blood diaper" or "period sponge" we have feminine hygiene pads. We use toilet paper (toilet being a fancy French word) instead of "ass wipers" or "shit towels". This clinical approach is one that works. It allows us to feel adult and mature when discussing our bodily functions and prevents us from giggling like a 10 year old boy after he hears a fart.

In order to continue with the clinical theme, the ad men often put their products in a laboratory setting in demonstrating their products absorbency or usefulness. The cold stainless steels and white wall backgrounds again bring up that this is indeed science and not something to look at the TV in horror or snicker when the announcer mentions diarrhea.

The best idea to emerge for TV was the use of blue colored water- Need to show how a diaper absorbs up lots of pee and doesn't leak? Start mixing up the blue raspberry Kool-Aid and pour on the blue water! Need to show how well a feminine hygiene pad keeps the menstrual fluid away from the edges versus the leading brand? Get the tidy bowl pellets out and pour on the blue water!

As a child, I would watch game shows like Match Game and Super Password with my mother during day time television. The commercials were overwhelmingly filled with hygienic products. As a result, I was concerned that someday that I myself would be leaking blue water or would eventually have to wear dentures that look like giant white tiles. Madison Avenue would use practically anything but the product's intended target. Our sensitivities must be as fragile as a sugar sculpture that we can't even bear to look at a pair of dentures sitting in a glass. Heck, there is a cable game show called Hurl, where the whole point of the show is to get contestants to puke up gobs of creamed corn and broccoli with mac and cheese. But they don't even show the vomit! They actually cover up the spewed chunks! Personally, I think that if they feel it's necessary to block out a stream of upchuck on a game show titled, Hurl, then they should at least use modern digital manipulation and have the decency to replace it with blue water.

Nowadays, I think we even have taken a step backwards. We can't even stand to look at clinical commercials (or perhaps are bored with them?) and now prefer to make our bodily functions cutesy. Just look at the silly song on the Pepto-Bismol commercial or the Charmin commercials with the cartoon bears and their dilemma of which toilet paper to use. Maybe it's me, but that stuff really skeeves me out more than a direct approach would.

"Charmin, softer than sand paper and doesn't leave dingleberries!"

Shedding some light on the situation

I couldn't help but notice that the days are getting shorter yet again. It's not like we live in Panama or Sri Lanka where the sun sets and rises every day at 6pm and 6am every day of the year. The amount of light we receive changes over the course of the year. Speaking as a person with a mood disorder, it's something that effects us more than you'd think to ever give it credit for.

It hasn't hit me yet but when I start losing light exposure I tend to hit more down emotional phases. The bleakness of winter is not just about the cold but very much has to do with natural light. The same could be said for when the days start getting longer as I have my most manic moments on the long days of midsummer.

Sometimes knowing what affects your mood is half the battle. Being aware that you could be extra cranky since it's a short day could assist you in self-awareness and patience. Perhaps, even avoiding certain stressful situations during these times altogether. The sun is worshiped in some fashion or another in every culture and religion. While it's not so obvious as having a sun god like Ra or Apollo, the allegory is in our current religions. Our ancestors had much more of their direct livelihood attached to the sun. Since we look at the sun more as a good or bad weather day we don't take in consideration at how much its light effects our moods and our bodies.

Like plants we actually convert sunlight into nutrients. It's just not our main source of energy like photosynthesis but we get vitamin D from sunlight. Since we live longer lives, skin cancer has become something we get frightened about. We smear goop on our bodies, use shade umbrellas and stay indoors to prevent getting burned and get too many future moles or leathery skin. Altho, some of us do still seek out to get a good tan. If you think about it, those people tend to have a sunnier disposition. After all, I can't ever recall a surfer flipping out with rage except for maybe Point Break, but that was a movie and not real life.

If I had my druthers, I'd just move to the opposite hemisphere after each equinox. That way I'd be a manic fool but at least I'd appear to be happy. I'd even give up winter lagers and ales if I had to as a condition. However, I'm not sure if I could deal with my toilet swirling in a clockwise direction.

When will I learn my lesson?

It's not the 1st time I've done this to myself, nor will it be the last. It seems that it has happened more lately against the Mets as well, which makes it sting a little more. I gave up on a game and stopped watching only to miss a great comeback.

Last night the Phightin' Phils quickly went to a 7-0 deficit against the Mets. The game is especially important as only a 1/2 game separates the 2 teams for 1st place currently. Well, somehow they climbed back into the game again and tied it up and then finally won in the 13th inning 8-7. Altho I missed the heroics (did I actually tune in purposely to watch Hillary Clinton's speech?!?!), it was fun to read Mets fan message boards this morning. The last 2 years they have lost some pretty big games against us, so it's always a pleasure to revel in your enemy's misfortune.

Their suicidal posts make me giggle with glee as they throw their best players under the bus and look for scapegoats. Despite Philly's rep for having tough fans, I think that it's the same no matter where you go. Fans are fans and mindless mobs are mindless mobs. Whether they root for Manchester United, the Eagles, or the Cleveland Indians, you're going to have some colorful happenings.

But, alas, who am I to talk? I can't even stick with a game when they start to fall far behind. Will someone please remind me of this post the next time this happens?

Public Service Announcement

Fun fact for the day-

Latex is just about the same density of water.

So, when you have a 550 package shipment come in and you haven't had a chance to put the 300 package shipment away that arrived last week, you're gonna end up with some tired arms. Imagine lugging around boxes of water all day long. That's what most of my day has been like. I'm exhausted and cranky. Which brings us to fun fact number 2-

If you dare page me and tell me that I need to come back to the office to correct a mistake on a credit card slip when you've been sitting in air conditioned office most of the day probably surfing the web and playing computer games and you can damn well get off your fucking fat ass and do it your fucking self then I might might get a bit perturbed and scream a bit, you piece of lazy shit.

That concludes today's public service announcements.

Thank you for your time.

Competing with the internet

As technology offers us more and more entertainment the more watered down it becomes. Just like when baseball expanded back in the early 90's, there weren't enough good pitchers to go around (and still aren't). Thus the level of talent wasn't as consistent from bottom to top. It's hard to compare Mike Schmidt to Chase Utley using traditional numbers alone since they played in different eras. The baseball math nerds (aka sabremetricians) have all sorts of fun numbers to gauge this, like ERA+, OPS+ and VORP. Even without the numbers it's not hard to see that the cream always rises to the top. The same could be said of good media and entertainment.

It's strange to see what traditional forms of the media do in order to compete with the ever growing outlets of entertainment. TV networks have shifted to inexpensive reality programming and also go the opposite route with movie-like production on shows like Pushing Daisies and Lost. Popular music has become extremely manufactured but at the same time independent groups now can be lucrative as they no longer have to cater to the big labels and cheaply release their music privately or thru small companies. Movies makers always look for new material, the new flavor being the graphic novel industry. Again there is a contrast in the way the conduct business; there exists now the biggest budgets yet at close to 200 million to also seeing indie films costing under a million getting attention at small festivals and cable channels.

The theater, certainly the oldest form of the entertainment media, also seems to be making changes to compete with the internet and other new media forms (like watching stuff on your phone!!). Lately, the big trend is adapting plays and musicals from popular movies, tv shows and classic rock groups like ABBA. Disney has produced its classic animated features into theater like The Lion King and Beauty and the Beast. The Producers was such a big hit that not only did spawn a musical but that musical then became a film adaptation! There are more examples, of course, and I can't speak to the quality of all of them. I have seen both The Lion King and now as of last weekend, Spam-a-lot (adapted from Monty Python films, mostly Holy Grail).

Spam-a-lot was a very fun show. Like The Producers, the script was closely written with some of the original members. The show was loosely related enough for me to enjoy fresh material but also relaugh at some old but good Monty Python humor. I went with my old college roommate and his wife (and old high school friend) to the play, we also enjoyed an excellent meal at a restaurant near Rittenhouse Square called, Parc. Aside from the valet parking fucking up what they did with Jeff's keys, the evening was a perfect one.

Does the theater doing more recognizable entertainment work for them? Well, sure. It got me there. I'll freely admit I wanted to see this play because of the familiarity. I'm not a theater going kind of guy, so the old material was enough to bring a guy like me and mainstream middle class America into a theater. That's good thing, especially for theater. I'm now more apt to try a play that is completely original and new.

Now are all adaptations going to be as good? Not a chance. The more that the theater goes to the well, so to speak, the more of a chance that it will be a bomb. Thus we see the watering down effect as mass appeal doesn't always mean quality. Sure there will be good plays just as there are good ball players like Chase, but overall the theater will suffer from mediocrity just as baseball has to some degree.

Race walking is the curling of the Summer Olympics

Last night I decided to watch the Olympics on TV. Upon changing the channel I saw a group of women in the rain sashaying their hips side to side at a furious pace. It was the 20km race walking event. Like most train wrecks, I couldn't peel my eyes away from the TV screen. I was fascinated, bewildered, confused, addled, sexually excited and full of awe all at the same time. I haven't felt this way for at least 2 years- when I watched the curling event at the 2006 Winter Olympics.

Curling is the "sport" where a group of men push a giant puck on a shuffleboard like court made of ice as they maddeningly sweep their little brooms in front of the puck until it goes to where they want it to land. I never quite understood the exact goal and rules of the competition. I can only assume that they are similar to shuffleboard and horseshoes. The very existence of the competition proves that "cold plus boredom" will lead to some pretty fucked up things.

Why race walking ever became a competition is just as big a mystery. Stupid me, I always thought that if you were walking really fast that you were in fact running. Somehow, somewhere exists rules on what constitutes a walk and not a jog or run. The competitors even get yellow and red cards (are they penalties? I have no clue!) if it appears that they are not walking. My wife made me giggle when she remarked that the herd of women looked like they were being yelled at by a teacher in the school hallway, "Walk don't run!!" as they headed off to recess. My guess is that at least one foot has to be touching the ground and the walker's ass has to shimmy side to side like your typical trampish barfly.

Like curling, the more I watched the race walkers the more impressed I was with how hard it was to do and how they could keep a straight face. I know that it must be difficult to see the first place walker pull ahead of you and not be able to start sprinting after her. "Fuckin' bitch! I'll show you!", I would say as I would start to run after her. Of course, the judges would then pull out a red card and maybe I'd have to start crawling or doing the crab walk for a 1/2 kilometer.

Hmmm...that's a thought. Maybe I should start a petition for Simon Says, sack racing, three legged racing, and the Hokey Pokey to be official Olympic sports! More domination by the American athletes! USA!! USA!! USA!!

The Wheel of Misfortune

We travel through the bulk of our lives blissfully thinking that we are in control of our destiny. To some extent that feeling is true. Most hard work gets rewarded and most bad deeds get punished. However, the system of karma may not be quite as balanced as we perceive it to be. There are forces beyond our control that can radically or subtly (or somewhere in between) alter our destiny. Despite our best subconscious feeling that we can control our surroundings, the fickle finger of fate may strike at any moment and remind us that we are not in control. Most call this force God, as a poker player I call it variance.

Everyday, before we start out to run our lives, we have to give the wheel of misfortune a spin. Most things are unlikely to occur when you look at your chances on a one on one basis. It's extremely unlikely that I'll have a brain aneurysm today and it may be a better chance that I'll have a bad car crash but that's still very unlikely. It's even unlikely on any particular day for me get a flat tire. Let's say the odds are about 500 to 1 of that happening on any particular day. Any good gambler would love those odds. The problem is that we have to spin that wheel for all sorts of unlikely happenings often enough that it becomes likely for something unlikely to occur sometime in your life. We suffer small accidents that are more likely like that flat tire all the time. We have our stubbed toes and spilled milk to prove that variance effects our destiny, even if in a minor way. But we don't cry over them due to their relative insignificance.

It's big freak accidents or horrible diseases and disorders like MS and cancer that really change the path of our destinies. That flat tire can suddenly happen while you're driving 70 mph on the highway and cause your car to jump the median and straight onto an opposing car. A tornado can hit your house. You might wake up and spin the wheel and have a cell mutate into cancerous cell and you won't even know about it until 2 years later until you have 5 tumors in your colon. (That is if you don't get struck by lightning first.)

A good poker player does two things about variance- First, he does his best to reduce variance and put himself in situations to have the odds be more in his favor. He'll play better starting hands or use position or tells for when a bluff would be better utilized. The second thing is that he accepts that variance happens and understand it is a part of the game. If the poker player receives a bad beat from the lucky donk, he understands that such things will happen and stays emotionally calm and avoid "tilt" to get back in the game. (or he at least tries) Of course this should also apply in your view of variance as well. We try to attain more favorable odds by doing things like eating better, creating better medicines, not smoking, checking to make sure our tire pressure is within the proper psi range, and getting express written consent from major league baseball. The wiser of us also accepts variance and knows it is a part of life. If we survive what bad luck comes our way, it's best to get back in the game with emotional calm. It's best to do now what you want to do because you never know what the wheel will land on.

I suppose this is just thinly veiled carpe diem advice. As an athiest I know that no matter what we do that in the grand scheme of things it all means naught. But you can either sit around and wait for death with doom and gloom or at least have some fun while you're waiting. There's a reason the small phrase "carpe diem" survived in latin. It's old and it's true. That truth will survive as long as there is self awareness.

Which asshole doesn't stink so much?

With the conventions looming upon us in the next few weeks, the vice president nominee being announced any day, and the ad campaigns starting to heat up a bit you know it's that time again. Like the Olympics (which also comes the same every 4 years), you can't avoid the hype of the presidential race.

Unlike the Olympics, which at least offers up some positive storylines (ie. MICHAEL PHELPS IS THE GREATEST OLYMPIAN EVER....EVER.....EVER...EVER!!!), the presidential race tends to get a bit nasty. Political messages and advertisements tend to be why you shouldn't vote for the other guy and never too often about why you should vote for that candidate. The American public is ultimately left to vote for the lesser of two evils or for whomever they dislike less.

Having watched most of the John Adams miniseries on dvd (yeah, I'm a bit late on that..), I found it funny (funny strange, not funny haha) that the candidates did not campaign for themselves in the early years of our country under the new constitution. Perhaps it's because the eligible voters back then were just the land owners and campaigning was done more behind closed doors and by proxy. Strangely enough our system today has become eerily similar is some vein as the candidates often have "others" do the dirty work for them.

If you notice at the end of most positive ads (ie. "boring ads"), there is a message that sounds something like this- "I'm Mike Hunt and I approve this message." Not too often is there a really negative ad (like the outright lies of the swiftboat ads that helped bring down Kerry) that comes directly from the candidate himself. Those are the ads that stem from 527's. In a nutshell, the 527's are political non-profit groups that can avoid all of that fun legal mumbo jumbo on campaign financing when it comes to a what a candidate can and cannot do to get money or do with that money. What ends up happening are groups that support certain candidates and make all sorts of nasty ads about how their opponent would be horrible for their cause.

So, essentially, a candidate can turn a blind eye to these ads and have his hands be clean. The public meanwhile gets to see the smearing, slandering, and mud throwing that any WWE fan could ever want and more.

After all this name calling and negative campaigning the public is left the choice between a giant douche bag and a turd sandwich. (as South Park so brilliantly put it 4 years ago)

Rumor: Boldin to the Eagles?

Anquan Boldin, the premium wide receiver for the Arizona Cardinals isn't happy with where he is. He went on the Michael Irvin show today to say as much. He went on to say that our Philadelphia Eagles are currently in trade discussions with Arizona to aquire him.

Who knows if Anquan is just stirring up trouble or if there is truth to what he just said. I am agog with delight if there's any chance of that happening. The last time McNabb had a premium wide out like Boldin to work with the Eagles went to the Superbowl. Sure, TO was a pain the next year but we got there!! (note the number Boldin wears is the same-gasp!)

Cross your fingers, rub your rabbit's foot, pray to your God, do whatever makes you feel lucky, this is a guy that would be awesome to see in an Eagles Jersey.

Wildlife Kingdom

I'm no stranger to wildlife. While I'm no Lewis and Clark I have seen some neat animals in my time. Most of it when I was in Boy Scouts. I've seen hawks at Hawk Mountain. I canoed right next to a beaver dam. A rattle snake crossed my path on a hiking trail in New Mexico. I peed down a hill where a baby brown bear was walking its way up on (I don't think I even took the time to zip up before getting out of there!). I snorkled next to a dolphin in the Florida Keys. I stood in the water with a school of sharks. (okay, okay, they were 2ft. long nurse sharks) A good chunk of mammals located in North America I have had the privilege of seeing in its natural habitat. (fortunately, no wolverines or grizzlies)

Since that time, I've pretty much settled into suburbia and see the occasional squirrel, rabbit and deer along with the usual gang of birds. I'm starting to think that the animals miss me and this past year the wildlife must have found me and have gotten the word out.

It started last winter when I grazed a deer with the car. It didn't do much damage and the deer seemed to have survived as it ran away into the small forest of trees 2 miles from my house. Then I had the ciggie bird build a nest and hatch a baby in my trash can. (see previous post) I also had another nest in my front door light box. I couldn't get rid of a wasp's nest as they came back twice after copious amount of poisons were applied to its nest. I have a grounhog that tresspasses in my backyard time to time, much to my dog's chagrin. Of course, I recently posted about the baby bunny massacre that said dog had committed. That brings us up to today-

Wednesday morning before I even get to work the garbage truck comes and empties our dumpster at my work. That means on Tuesday I make sure I empty all the boxes, straps, trash and such into the dumpster to get it filled in time for Wednesday morning. (the vice-president puts out the trash? HARRRUMPHH!!) We have our dumpster right up against the back wall underneath a bay door to make it easy to empty. I opened the door this morning and saw what appeared to be a dead raccoon curled up in a ball in the corner of the dumpster. Flies were swirling all about the dumpster.

"Ugh, gross!" I thought to myself, "I'd better share this with my employee Rocco."

I went up to the office to cajole Rocco out of the office to see the dead raccoon. Rocco is from South Philly, used to body build, his last name ends in a vowel, and stands under 5 foot 8 inches- I'm sure you've met the type if you've lived in this area before. Rocco is a city boy and is used to pigeons and squirrels, the prospect of seeing a raccoon wasn't very appealing to him. I had to use my executive powers of boss-dom to get him to have a look-see. I told him to look at the back corner of the dumpster and he slowly inched up towards the edge of bay door and looked back at me and said,

"Are you fuckin with me?"

I glanced at the back corner and there was no raccoon!!

"Holy shit!! It must've still been alive!" I exclaimed as Rocco gave me a look of disbelief, "I swear it was there!!" He got closer and looked down into the dumpster and saw the raccoon standing on its hind legs looking up back at him. Rocco quickly jumped back with some fear, "OMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD!!" He skipped away from the door.

We surmised that the raccoon had climbed its way into the dumpster but couldn't get out since it the walls were slanted inwards and too sheer. I decided to help it on its way by carefully piling the trash in the dumpster so it could use the trash to climb its way out. Rocco did help with putting in the trash but you could see how uncomfortable he was being near a live raccoon. I informed Rocco that I was naming the raccoon after him and Beatles's song, Rocky Raccoon.

After we piled the trash in, we closed the door and started to sweep around the warehouse for a few minutes. After the sweeping was done we needed to sweep the rest into the dumpster. I told Rocco to open the door, figuring that Rocky hadn't climbed its way out of the dumpster yet, and I would sweep the remaining trash out. As soon as Rocco opened the door he started to scream like a girl as Rocky was standing looking at both of us out of the dumpster and on the ledge of the bay door. He slammed the door shut.

At that point I was full of uncontrolable laughter. Watching my macho employee get scared like that was too much. Anyways- here's a pic of Rocky after he jumped down and took residence near a pile of pallets-

The poor thing was more scared than Rocco was. I just wish these animals would give a call or email before they show up at my home or work. Sheesh, who ever thought that wild animals could be so rude?!

It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to

My son Jonathan is a very sensitive soul. He is very attentive to other people's need and wants. He is very loving and huggable. He is artistic and relies alot on his emotional side. All very good good traits for a boy to have and not something you necessarily can teach as much as they just seem to be born with. The unfortunate downfall is that he cries more than other boys his age. He takes teasing and name calling rather harshly. If things don't go his way he tends to break down quickly and start sobbing.

You'd think by the way I'm a cold fish nowadays when it comes to tenderness that Jonathan has picked up this trait from his mother. While his mother does have her crying fits (like any of you women- sheesh), he really does get it from me. As a boy, I was just like Jonathan when it came to crying. I would well up with tears at the drop of a hat. I'd even wallow in my own pity and hide in my room or in our closet. The darkness would make me feel secure as I'd felt sorry for myself. Perhaps this was some early manifestation of my mood disorder or perhaps you can chalk it up to being a kid and a tweener.

Somewhere around age 14 I found the control to stop crying altogether. Even if I was in pain I wouldn't tear up- I'd scream alot instead. I don't know if it's a healthy thing but for the most part even if I want to let it all out and cry I can't. In the past 24 years I think I've only had one instance of a flat out bawling.

It was when my mother was towards the end of her battle with cancer. I was working at home at the time (and living away, go figure) and there wasn't much to do. I came down for a break and sat next to my mother who was watching TV (I think it was the OJ trial!). Her liver at that point had grown so distended that it was bulging out of her stomach area and was hard as a rock. You could hear her smacking her lips audibly as she would experience dry mouth often during this time. When I sat down I reached over and held her hand as she seemed to be in a bit of distress and pain. Her hand felt so bony and she clasped my hand solidly and somehow we seemed to speak to each to other without saying anything. A flood of emotions fell over me and for once I think the grave reality of her dying hit me hard.

I always logically knew that when she got cancer that she would likely die within that year of diagnosis. For some strange reason I emotionally denied or ignored that fact. Perhaps being in my early twenties I felt somewhat invincible and untouchable. I hadn't experienced any real loss up to that point. Needless to say when I suddenly came to my senses and acknowledged her dying I was awash with grief. Holding her hand and feeling her die was the most surreal experience I've had. I pretended to go for a smoke in the garage and I lit my cigarette and didn't even get a puff beyond that point. I wept and sobbed uncontrollably. The only control I could exert was the noise level as to not alert my mother to the fact I was crying. All the cliches were present. I fell to my knees and the dam of tears burst. It was like having a seizure of uncontrollable tics and I was barely able to draw my breath in.

I haven't done that since. Even 2 weeks later at her funeral. Mind you, I was visibly upset but I think I was more disturbed at the open casket and I was fighting a 105 degree fever that day. I will also admit to getting misty eyed on occasion, but I just haven't felt the urge to cry like that again. I don't know if the loss of control that I don't like or perhaps that I've gained some perspective as I've aged. Life is good. There hasn't been too much for me to get upset about. Sure, there have been some minor bumps along the way, but nothing so far has hit me like that day has. I have a wonderful wife and two great kids, a decent job that pays alright and lots of good friends. I'm happy and I don't need to cry right now. If one of those things gets taken away, then all bets are off. But until then, I'm fine with my stoic face.

Cleaning out the Mp3 player and the cobwebs in my head.

You'd think 8 gigabytes of songs would be enough to satisfy a person for at least a year. Yet, here I am again removing songs I've found myself skipping lately over so I can fit some live music or songs I haven't heard in a long time or brand new songs onto the MP3 player. I find myself doing this about once every 6 weeks or so. It's like spring cleaning but without the dust bunnies or screaming from your wife that you missed a spot.

I'm also finding that studio recordings tend to wear on me quicker. I'm more apt to get bored with 3-4 minute ditties than a live performance with improvisation. Soon my MP3 player will be strictly filled with Phish and Umphrey's McGee shows. Perhaps as I age I've become more accustomed to the jazzier and freer side of music. No more repetitive drum beats and song refrains over and over. Just trippy guitar riffs and piano scales with funky percussion and even bass solos for me now.

My dislike of pop music has to be partially my fault because if I ever do like a song's melody, I tend to overplay the damn thing until I almost hate the song. Maybe, we all like to replay things we like but as we get older we tend to dislike recurring or predictable things. I know my kids love to watch reruns as did I as a kid. Their tastes aren't mature enough to be more varied or they're afraid to try new things. Like music, formulaic movies and TV shows have also started to bore me.

What it comes down to for me that if entertainment becomes too predictable then I'd rather find something else to do. The underlying problem is that as I see more and more things as I age there is less and less that is original or fresh enough for me to like. Thankfully, the wife and kids have been eclectic enough to hold my attention so far.

Confessions of a Facebook addict.

It starts out with the best of intentions. Heck, you don't even think you'll like Facebook as it sounds like a dressed up version of Myspace. You're no teeny-bopper, after all. Still, you figure to pop on and have a look-see as you might find that old friend of yours that you haven't seen in 15 years and it'll be good to drop him a line.

You sign up and find a few friends. You take a look at their pictures and their cute children. "Aww, look! Steve has his little boy wrapped around his head." "I see Marie hasn't changed much." "Wow, Josh actually is wearing matching outfits with his 1 year old..." A fun jaunt, yes, but nothing too distracting. You leave a message on the wall of an old friend as you log off.

The next thing you know is that you get a notification in your email box from facebook. It's letting you know someone has "poked" you. "Hmmph... I wonder what that's all about", you think to yourself. So you log back on and end up giving a poke back to Andy. Then all of the sudden someone has superpoked you and sent you a hug! Well, I'll teach her and I'll send back a superpoke myself and issue a restraining order. While you're there Facebook is recommending other people to be your friends. You scan and see a bunch of old friends you haven't talked to in a long time. You start sending out your own requests to people to become your friends.

You start getting excited at the prospect of reconnecting with old pals and think that Facebook isn't all that bad. How can it be? Besides, you're in control and you can quit Facebook anytime you want.

The next 2 months are whirlwind of activity as you join groups on Facebook and even find some fun and silly groups like People Who Never Have Seen Gary Busey and Nick Notle in the Same Room at the Same Time. You find that you can leave comments on your status and make remarks on people's pictures. You start using the chat feature with all your friends and also become fans of your favorite TV shows and muscicians. It's all good, right? Meanwhile, your superpoke war has escalated with Cindy and after she threw an octopus, you've raised the stakes to giving Monty Python gifts like a Spanish Inquisition. You've also started playing games on Facebook like poker and word puzzles and also started comparing which movies you like best among your friends and issue IQ contests.

Still, you can stop whenever you want to, right? It's fine, you're just on there for some fun and to waste some time. It's not like you have a problem like some other people do. Now they're the ones that go overboard.

Your friend count has ballooned as of late. After all, you are a social person and they do require friends for interactioning. You've even started to request to be friends with old acquaintances that you maybe have spoken to about 5 times in your life and which was nothing of too much importance. Friends are good, though, so you don't mind. You've also found some internet buddies from a message board that you haven't even met in real life that you befriend. You flutter around Facebook like the social butterfly that you are, feeling good that you have finally cracked the 50 friend mark. But then you start to feel jealous when you see that some friends have 200 or more. "Harrummphh!! What does he have that I don't have?!", you think to yourself as you plot your next move. Perhaps a superpoke to that person or even better you issue out event invitations to your upcoming party to all your new Facebook friends.

It's not a problem, however, I just log onto Facebook only about 25 times a day. It's okay, I can get my work done if I'm careful. I don't need to see what Jeff is doing that night or write all over Karen's wall. I am in complete control. I don't have a problem. No, not me. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! I'm fine, promise. Heehehehhehehehehe. No sweat. Hohohohhohoo!

Rating the Kids shows part IV- Chowder

I haven't reviewed the kids' shows as often as I originally said I would back in December, so my apologies. Let's see if we can get back on track with the surprisingly delightful show, Chowder.

Chowder is probably the first children's oriented show to feature trippy drug-inspired landscapes and surreal characters and plot since Sid and Marty Krofft did their shows like H.R. Puffnstuff & The Bugaloos back in the late 60's and early 70's. The show focuses on the self-titled character, Chowder, and his apprenticeship at a bakery/catering place located in the exotic town of Marzipan. That's about the most straightforward part of the show.

Chowder himself seems to be an amalgam of different animals. He has an insatiable appetite, likes to scream alot and seems to suffer from ADDHD. He basically reminds me of my two sons. I suppose Chowder is the symbol for the all-American kid. He works for the doddering master chef Mung Daal. Mung's creations in the kitchen would give Willy Wonka a run for his money but instead of delighting children's sweet teeth they would perhaps chomp the children back. Mung's wife, Truffles is the boss (as are all wives if you think about it) and seems to be an evil fairy with the voice of Carol Kane. (I was actually surprised to learn it wasn't her in the credits at IMDB.com) They also have a souschef that goes by the name of Schnitzel. Schnitzel is a tall imposing creature that only can seem to say, "radda radda radda radda" in different emotive syntax. There are also some side characters that fill out the Marzipan community, my favorite being the Devil-like bunny, Paninni, who claims to be Chowder's girlfriend despite his protests.

Aside from the occasional gross joke, Chowder is a funny, clever and wild show. It just debuted last spring but I have to rank it right up there with SpongeBob Squarepants in fun to watch kids' shows. Aside from the fun brightly colored animation, the show mixes in some puppetry just as SpongeBob throws in the ocassional live action shot. There is some dissociative cognosence whenever there is a clothing pattern like a plaid on a character's clothing or skin as the pattern seems to move in the same way that the lips do on Clutch Cargo.

Minor complaints aside, I find myself chuckling to outright laughing at times to this show. If I was still into the bong, I'd pack myself a big old bowl the next time they run a marathon on Cartoon Network. There is definitely some heady and creative stuff for the kids to watch. I'll cite the episode where they had two 15 minute segments of the same action but viewed from 2 different characters' point of view as a perfect example of this. They also break up the cliches of standard storytelling and common mythos with some unexpected twists along the way. How my soon to be 10 year old follows along is anyone's guess. I bet when he gets older he'll appreciate the show for different reasons than he does now, much like how I look back at shows like The Muppets.

Wow, I just compared this show to a Jim Henson attached project- high praise indeed. I give Chowder a 8.768914 out of 10.

Animal Planet

This past weekend we took the plunge and decided to give it another go with raising goldfish. I guess the empty tank was too depressing for me to look at and fish are cheap anyways if you already have the hardware. We were in even bigger luck as the pet store was having a 75% off fish sale. I let my 2 kids pick their fish and I picked out a white and orange fish that I named Whitey. I guess I'm either still missing Richie Ashburn or I'm a closet racist. The kids named their fish Kingdra (named after a Pokemon) and Leo Jr. (in honor of Leo Sr. RIP).

The fish took to their new tank like a duck to water. Hopefully whatever killed the first fish isn't present any more. They have survived 4 days, so far, so good. The rabbits in my yard, however, aren't as lucky...

This morning my wife called in a tizzy as our youngest cocker spaniel, Brutus, had brought in a present from outside- a dead mutilated baby bunny. Not only did he kill a baby bunny but he also killed its 2 siblings and destroyed a nest underneath our porch. While my wife found it disturbing, I merely view it as "pest control". Hopefully Momma Rabbit gets the hint. My older cocker, Sammy, in her younger days has caught at least 6 mice outside. Cockers have a hunting/retreival instinct bred into them. I guess Brutus has a taste more akin to french food. His pallete is much more refined I suppose. In either case, I say "good riddance" to small rodents and mammals living in my back yard.

Played okay, lost anyways

Last Saturday I set some goals for myself and I think I did a good job of following those goals. Nonetheless my luck didn't hold out for me towards the end and I missed the money and came in 4th place. The night was interesting to say the least as there was a blow up between two players and for whatever reasons everyone except one guy had the worst gas. It was akin to the beans scene in Blazing Saddles. Duane- crack a window next time!!

So, despite the chemical warfare and unfriendly argument I managed to play decently. Let's take a look at my goals and review-

Goal #1: Fold trouble hands like Ace Ten and lower, King Queen, and Queen Jack from any position except the button and blinds while my stack to blinds ratio (aka "M") is 20:1 or better.

I did really well at this. The exception was one hand where I played KJ suited and lost a decent pot for just the same reasons I shouldn't come in out of position with trouble hands like that. Aside from that I folded alot of hands that I usually donk around with largely because I'm bored. I was happy with my discipline. I ultimately lost with a QJ but it was only 4 handed and my M was about 6 so with one limper and a caller and me in the big blind I took an all in shove stab. Got called by KT and was on my way.

Goal#2: Use my position to take a pot from one of the LAG players.

Well I did this, kinda. The player was more of a LAP than a LAG (loose passive vs loose aggressive) but the big LAG at the game was directly to my left so there wasn't much opportunity to use my position on him. Not to mention the fact that he's really been playing tighter lately and may not even be as Laggy as before. In the hand, I stole using solely position and "air" (aka a bad hand that wasn't going to improve.) The board was perfectly set to make him believe I had a hand better than his. I got a big pot out of that steal and I may even had gotten a bad call out of him later on in the game as he figured me for bluffing again.

Goal #3: Play to win, not to cash. This may sound weird to some of you, but it means to play aggressively enough to amass chips to get a better chance of taking 1st place money and not play passively to just make the money.

Hard to say- for a while there we were all playing cautiously. when we got 5 and 4 handed. I started to bluff a bit more with some limited success but Ican't say I was as aggressive as I wanted to be. Part of the problems, in my opinion was that the blinds were capped too early. Part of my game is use the escalating blinds to my advantage and steal, steal, steal. I was in that range of 10-20 M (blinds to stack ratio) which is frustrating as you're too deep stacked for all in steals but pot committed rather quickly after coming into a pot. I will have to analyze this goal further later.

Goal#4: Don't try to trap unless I have a dominated board in which case most bets will scare others away from the pot. In other words I may even bet out if I flop trips if the board is right. Obviously, if I flop a full house or nut flush, I'm better off letting people "catch up" a little to get more money.

I did get an unexpected full house (sevens full of fives) out of the big blind and tried to trap on the river to a usually aggressive bettor. He unfortunately missed completely and checked behind without a bluff. Aside from that, I got pocket Kings 4 or 5 times that night and played all but one straight forward and won some decent sized pots as a result. It pays to get your money in loose games when you have the goods, don't screw around if you don't have to. Goal accomplished here.

Goal#5: Act slower and be more patient in order to think more methodically about what hands people have and what bets would be best to make or not make.

I think I did this with the exception of one or two times. I am getting more patient and analytical and I was happy with my improvement last game.

In summary my concentration was up and despite some unfortunate side stuff, the game was enjoyable and I was happy with the way I played despite my lack of reward for doing so. Better luck in my cash game coming up at the end of the month!

Tourney goals for tomorrow

It's been a mediocre year for me in playing tournaments. I'm slightly under break even for the year. I'd be ahead if I didn't have the heads up meltdowns. I need to refocus and start setting some goals. Setting goals for the short term in poker isn't necessarily attainable. Luck and variance plays more of a factor in just one or two tournaments than skill does. However, I wish to set some goals for tomorrow's tournament because it will at least give me something to focus on. Obviously, I play better when I concentrate more and right now I need any edge I can get.

Goal #1: Fold trouble hands like Ace Ten and lower, King Queen, and Queen Jack from any position except the button and blinds while my stack to blinds ratio (aka "M") is 20:1 or better.

Goal#2: Use my position to take a pot from one of the LAG players.

Goal #3: Play to win, not to cash. This may sound weird to some of you, but it means to play aggressively enough to amass chips to get a better chance of taking 1st place money and not play passively to just make the money.

Goal#4: Don't try to trap unless I have a dominated board in which case most bets will scare others away from the pot. In other words I may even bet out if I flop trips if the board is right. Obviously, if I flop a full house or nut flush, I'm better off letting people "catch up" a little to get more money.

Goal#5: Act slower and be more patient in order to think more methodically about what hands people have and what bets would be best to make or not make.

Easier said than done, but Sunday I'll go over this list and see how I did.

Shuffle up and deal.

Thought of the day

The cast of thirtysomething are all in their 50's.




sigh

Sick of the Slowskys

They're hard to miss. Those Comcast high speed cable internet commercials with the turtle family named the Slowskys. The turtles are slow and want their world to be slow including their internet service, so of course, they have DSL. Why the Slowskys don't use AOL dial up is beyond me. It's even slower than DSL. Hell, they can have my old 2600 baud rate modem if they like it really slow. I guess Comcast feels that they compete more with Verizon more than anyone else.

The problem with the Slowskys, aside from the fact that I see the commercials 3 times in a half hour program, is that they're quite cranky- even for reptiles. I like the anti-hero as much as the next fellow but the Slowskys' antics are quite unbecoming. Carol is a passive aggressive and Bill is flat out nasty at times. He even berated the postal service worker who delivered his mail. You'd think Bill would have an affinity for the mailman since he likes things slow.

I'm also amazed that the anti-defamation league hasn't gotten involved. Considering that the turtles name end in "sky" it's not a far fetched leap to think they are Polish. Calling Pollacks "slow" is quite offensive to many Americans of eastern European decent as they have battled this notion ever since the it's been said it takes three of them to change a light bulb. The ink on the patent from Edison was hardly dry when that joke came about and yet here we are in 2008 still battling prejudices and stereotypes in the media. Next thing you know Comcast will have a Kangaroo family named the Goldbergs who will be putting all their loose change in their pouches because they saved money by using the Comcast triple play deal.

Well Bill and Carol Slowsky, I hope you are fast when it comes to leaving my TV screen.

Okay, seriously, it's totally, ummm...like, annoying or something

I drive my kids to camp every morning during the summer and I've been eavesdropping in on their conversations. The one thing I've noticed aside from the fact that my kids really, really, love Pokemon is that their language is now becoming more influenced by their peers and friends than by me and my wife.

For starters my sons are using the following words at an increased rate-

Okay

Seriously

Totally

umm...like...

or something

These are words that I'll use their proper context and not too often to color up my descriptions. So their increased usage is certainly not coming from me. I have noticed that when their friends come over that they are also using the same speech patterns, so it's likely that they are feeding each other the words. Usually their conversations sound something like this-

Gabriel: Okay, okay, seriously...umm...like Chimcharr is umm...like, totally evolving or something.

Jonathan: ummm...like Chimcharr is like totally evolving or something, seriously?


Somehow they understand their each other as the conversation does have a nice flow to it. It's like my kids have learned to find a way to annoy me without overtly defying my orders. I fear it's just going to get worse as they age and become aliens (aka teenagers). The texting will make matters worse as they will have yet another language to fool me.

Okay, so umm like seriously I need to totally start learning their language or something.

Morgan Freeman is balla yo!!

Apparently the ubiquitous actor, Morgan Freeman, got into a really nasty accident last night as his car overturned several times on a Mississippi highway. They even had to use the jaws of life to get him out of the wreckage and be airlifted to the nearest hospital. It appears he's mostly okay, he definitely needs some casts and surgery for multiple broken bones, but he'll live. After reading this article I realized how super cool Morgan really is and it's not just an act.

"Freeman's 1997 Nissan Maxima was heading eastbound on Mississippi Highway 32 when the car went off the edge of the road and overturned several times before coming to a stop."

Easy Reader's ride is a 1997 Maxima- oh yeah! Dude has all the money he'll ever want and he drives a 12 year old car. Good for him, environmentally conscious and ubercool to boot!

I'm gonna party like it's 1994

I know I blog too much about feeling old when I haven't even reached my 40's yet. But I've experienced the strange phenomena of thinking I'm in 1994 way too often lately. I'm not specifically thinking I'm 24 but whenever someone mentions to me that such and such happened in 1992 I think to myself that it was a recent occurrence when in fact it was SIXTEEN YEARS ago.

Hell, even things that have happened in the early 2000's are over 5-7 years ago. That's a lifetime for my youngest son Gabriel. I guess the 80's have a strong enough nostalgia following that I don't view much of what happened in the 80's as something recent. Ronald Reagan, Michael Jackson who was black and wore one gem studded glove, the space shuttle blowing up and Max Headroom are all things that seem like ancient history to me. But Kurt Cobain's death, the grunge look, Bill Clinton getting a BJ, and 911 are all things that feel like they've happened in the past year.

I guess it's a 20-25 year trend for actual nostalgia to set in. Happy Days and American Graffiti came out in the 70's when nostalgia for the 50's was at it's peak. I certainly recall a feel good movement over the hippies and Woodstock in the late 80's as well.

What's even stranger is that while I feel like things in the 90's aren't all that long ago the reverse seems to be true for gadgets and inventions. Technology is progressing so fast that it makes you feel like things are outdated before they even turn 3 years old. I looked at my cell phone from 2002 and it looks like a bulky and clumsy punch card fed computer. You ever look at pictures of iPods when they first came out? While they aren't exactly dowdy the look and feel is entirely different just a few years later. Heck, it wasn't a long time when you owned a Pentium I and felt out of sorts because the Pentium 2's just came out.

So, technology goes faster than actual history and nostalgia does. The back and forth is causing me great stress lately as I am afraid that next year the iPhone will be obsolete and I'll try to go see The Mask at the theater. Chalk it up to cognitive dissonance or just my crazy brain but I can't seem to have a grasp on what year it is. Please, someone tell me this isn't 2008 and I've been dreaming.

NEBTDTRT Exclusive!!

Big scoop!! Picture of the Phillies' front office during the trade deadline!

Mixing it up

Last night I had the extreme pleasure of seeing my old friend Andy aka Mister Odney for the 1st time in 15 years. We went to the Police concert at the Wachovia center and had a super fun time. I had a moment of feeling old upon seeing Sting's gray beard and Andy Summer's old man hands with bulging blue veins and translucent skin covered with age spots up close on the huge video screen playing his guitar. They played alot of good b-side sings that I haven't heard in ages and truly enjoyed. Sting's voice had lost an octave but he was still Sting. Stuart Copeland, the drummer, was, as always, abso-fan-fucking-tastic-lutely amazing. In alot of ways I'm glad they haven't recreated any more new music for the studio as it was good to hear all of the old classic Police.

I had a few surreal and funny moments last night as my mind seemed to combine things that shouldn't be combined. For starters before the show began, the lighted advertisements kept repeating the upcoming acts, among them was the Wiggles and Nine Inch Nails. I pointed that out to Andy and he asked if they were touring together. Of course, I started to imagine a concert where the 2 groups played songs together like, Get Ready to Fuck You Like an Animal. At that point I had to get a beer and I wandered out onto the concourse.

The first concession stand I came across was a Carvell. Not in the mood for ice cream, I was about to walk by until I noticed that they were selling cans of beer and no ice cream at all. I got in line and was met by a blank stare from the clerk when I asked for a Heineken and a Cookiepuss. Some people just can't seem to find humor in their jobs, I suppose.

Eventually, after the show started they played one of my favorite Police songs, I Can't Stand Losing You. The song was completely ruined for me because for some reason after they had close up of Sting's smiling face all I could think of was his bit role in the movie Dune. In particular the scene where he emotes the line repeatedly, "I will kill him!". If you've seen the movie you know what I'm talking about. The acting was terrible and for the life of me I could not get that image of my head. I started to uncontrollably giggle through the whole song.

Some things aren't meant to be combined, fortunately a good time with an old friend wasn't one of those instances.

Too brilliant for TV

Some TV shows gather a cult following and critical acclaim but never seem to get the ratings needed to keep executives happy and the money flowing to produce said shows.

FireFly, Arrested Development and Jericho are a few examples of this. While I loved all of those shows, the one that really was super edgy and twistedly funny and I really miss these days is a show called, Wonder Showzen.

The show aired on MTV2 and usually ran in a late night time slot as the show was definitely made for an adult audience and was truly disturbing at times. The basic premise was a Sesame Street and Electric Company type of format that lampooned everything from sex changes to drugs and death. Since the format was a parody of a children's show the show was intensely disturbing. No subject was taboo and they even had a recurring sketch where kids did on the street reporting that was called, "Beat Kids".

Once you got over the initial shock of watching puppets take drugs and hire hookers the show was astoundingly funny and the satire was top notch. My favorite character was a cloyishly cute blue puppet reminiscent of Elmo that asked incredibly inappropriate questions of real people on the street. He was so obnoxious that some people would actually chase after the puppet in anger. One guy even put his cigarette out in his mouth.

I wouldn't recommend this show to everyone and there are only a few friends of mine who would "get it". But, if you're one of those sick bastards like me, buy the DVD's or go watch some clips here.

EDIT: apparently there's some problems with the videos so here's some clips I found on the web-

• MTV
• Music Videos
• MTV Shows
• Entertainment News

The magnificent return of Kelly Leak!!!

When they announced the cast of The Watchmen last year (was it during Comicon 07?) I didn't recognize anyone right off the bat. I checked some of the IMDB pages and when it came to Rorschach I saw that a Jackie Earle Haley was playing the uber-cool vigilante gone paranoid. I looked at his picture quickly, didn't instantly recognize his face and saw a bunch of bit roles and TV credits to his name. I didn't scan all the way down the list.

Flash forward to last month where my Blockbuster movie mail service sent me Semi-pro. Yes, yes, I admit watching that turd but I do have a soft spot for Will Ferrell. One of the only funny moments in the movie was when a drugged out homeless man won $10,000 from making an unlikely full court shot. Will Ferrell's character didn't actually have the money and dodged the druggie repeatedly throughout the film when he would complain that the banks wouldn't cash his oversized check. The homeless druggie just started looking really familiar to me and I thought that he looked like the kid from The Bad News Bears.

After watching the movie I popped on over to IMDB.com and confirmed that my suspicions were indeed true. And then I spotted it. The kid who played Kelly Leak is the same guy who will be playing Rorschach.

Good to see the old slugger getting some work. I hope he's good. The character of Rorschach is probably the most pivotal of all the roles in Watchmen.

Hurrmmm...

Bride of Grandson of 6 Degrees of Napster

Okay, same rules as before, but this time we'll start with the innocuous and harmless, The Wiggles and see if we can get to hard core rap. Tipper Gore and the like may want to get their branding irons out...


We'll start with a children's music group that have their own show on the Disney channel- The Wiggles. My kids watched the show with glee as they sang their popular songs such as Hot Potato, Big Red Car and Fruit Salad. It's as tame as you can get.

1) People who enjoy The Wiggles also enjoy The Archies.

Move over Gorillaz, wikipedia claims that The Archies and Alvin and the Chipmunks were the original virtual bands. The Archies are still rather tame. They may appeal to people to over 5 years old but their only hit, Sugar, Sugar, was bubble gum pop and as innocent as Sally Field's Gidget.

2) People who enjoy The Archies also enjoy Fats Domino.

Ahh yes, I can see a little controversy is making its way to our list. Back in his day, Fats would play the devil's music. Certainly tame by today's standards, Blueberry Hill, is about teens schnogging and sucking face in their cars. Make no mistake, Richie Cunningham was a horny guy on Happy Days. The Fonz may have gotten all the action in Milwaukee but Richie used this song to try and get some.

3) People who enjoy Fats Domino also enjoy Smokey Robinson.

The Tracks of my Tears is a great song and Smokey is certainly not tame. But it's not exactly hard core stuff yet, we're halfway there and I wonder of we'll get there...

4) People who enjoy Smokey Robinson also enjoy Stevie Wonder.

Stevie Wonder is a fantastic song writer and performer. He's about as good as they come. He may be adult oriented in his themes but You Are the Sunshine of my Life isn't exactly hard core. This is my best bet for a good link, however, as many rappers have sampled Stevie thru the years.

5) People who enjoy Stevie Wonder also enjoy Busta Rhymes.

Finally a parental advisory label! Busta Rhymes is not full on hard core yet, but we cerainly have some explicit lyrics. Gimme Some More!!

6) People who enjoy Busta Rhymes also enjoy 2Pac.

Success!! We are so hard core that we have ourselves some actual real life gang violence associated with our artist, 2Pac. We made it from Wags the Dog to 2 of Amerikaz Most Wanted. Tipper and crew never would have guessed that those Australians for kiddies were so related to hard core.

Whatever happened to fruit gum?

I like to chew gum. I usually get sugarless gum instead of the Hubba Bubba, Juicy Fruit, and Bazooka varieties. I like the fruity flavors on occasion as minty gums can get tedious. But lately all of the sugarless fruity gums are always being mixed with mint. I don't know if it's because it extends the flavor or if one company did it first and then the rest are copycatting it because they were successful. Whatever the reason, I'm getting sick of it.

I was sick of the mint marketing mafia (which we will now deem MMM for the rest of this blog post) even before they infiltrated our fruit gums. Mint is mint, right? Personally, I think there's a subtle difference between peppermint and spearmint but I can't tell the difference between artic mint and ice mint. Apparently, there must exist a multitude of mint sommeliers because the list of mint flavors is exceedingly long. The MMM has come up with mint, sweet mint, peppermint, spearmint, ice mint, artic mint, velamint, cool mint, fresh mint, cactus mint, cinnamon mint, fire mint, hot mint, spicy mint, and doublemint. (what a predica-mint!!)

Perhaps the MMM has a huge surplus of mint stored somewhere because now they are pushing their mint products alongside the fruit flavorings. Want berry gum? Sorry, it's berrymint now. There's even a bubblemint, where they mix their mint with good old fashioned bubble gum flavor. I've had melon mint and cool colada. Both of which were equally disturbing to my palette. Damn it all! I just want to get my sweet on! I don't need to bring mint to the flavor party. If I want mint I'll just go buy one of those super strong mints that they sell now.

The MMM's mint campaign had a serious escalation at the turn of the century when they came out with those super powerful mints. It seemed that the smaller the mint was the more minty it would make your mouth feel. It was akin to putting a tab of acid on your tongue. We all looked drug users in 2002 when you could even put a strip of cellophane on your tongue that turned to super minty goo upon direct contact with saliva. I surmised back then that eventually mints will be microscopic and make one's breath be able to refrigerate your beer.

Perhaps the MMM should go back to pushing their super mints and leave my fruit gums alone. If we don't make a stand now and boycott the artic pineapple mint gums of the world then they will most certainly try to push their way into our entire grocery selection. If you want Cool Rice-a-Minty or spearmint potato chips then by all means, keep on buying.